Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

[spiralsands]

A bloke's wife goes missing while swimming off the New England coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her..



Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Deputy.



The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".



"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"



The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the rocks. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.



The Sarge says, "Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"



"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"



Frances



[ADMIN NOTE: Please keep all jokes clean.? As in "radio friendly."? Nothing mean spirited,?i.e. no sexism, racism, homophobia, et cetera.? Thanks]

[Klapton]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were both pooping in the woods. Mr. Bear said to Mr. Rabbit, "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

"Why no, Mr. Bear, I don't" replied Mr. Rabbit.

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

/rimshot

Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week.

[Kola]

Did ya hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil...
============================
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s225/kola58/3m93p33obZZZZZZZZZ92161d1ec28051c13.jpg
=====================================


Kola :)
sidenote: Yes Angela, I miss fresh seafood terribly.

[marronnin]

http://instantrimshot.com/

[Timber]

you people need some help. Jokes, I always forget them. Ah maybe I will post some help for this thread later. Klapton, stay enlisted, you wont survive, the comic world is cruel







--

A wise man knows how little he knows!

[JD]

An old man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, ?You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.? The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, ?Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150??
The man replied, ?Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can?t take that chance.? <img src="/sites/all/modules/tinymce/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" border="0" />

[Timber]

&quot;Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.....&quot;

[Timber]

In what way is a Doctor &amp; Plumber alike?

They both bury their mistakes.

[Timber]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris? beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn?t lifting himself up, he?s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris? hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn?t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[tanderson]

He was once bitten by a King Cobra. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck sweat.

As a child, Superman wore Chuck Norris pajama's.

Chuck knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck can divide by zero.

Chuck's computer doesn't have a control button, Chuck is ALWAYS in control.

Jesus walked on water, but Chuck can swim through land.

Chuck can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Tornado's are a myth, Chuck just really hates trailer parks.

and...

Chuck once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills, it made him blink.

Attended class January 24-25, 2009

[rckclmbr428]

clean jokes...
What do you call a cow with two short legs? lean beef..
What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
what do you call a cow that wont give milk? an utter failure
what kind of milk does a cow with four short legs give? dragons milk
what do you call a dog with no legs? it doesnt matter, he not going to come anyways.
why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7 8 9
a dog limps into a bar, limps up to the bartender and says "im looking for the man who shot my paw"
A pirate walks into a bar, the bartender looks at the pirate and says, "you know you have a large steering wheel on the front of your pants?" the pirate responds "RRRR its driving me nuts!"

[hemlock77]

Then ther is my favorate.
?
After watching one episode of Walker Texas Ranger, ?France surrendered just in case.

[2 cents]

LOVE the chuck norris jokes...
there is one about bags of tea vs sacks of potatoes, but i can't say it. makes me laugh though!

here are a couple good ones....

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the periodic table because the only element he recognises is the element of surprise!!!

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrissed

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris
and the answer is, of course, all of it

[Valerie]

A pork chop walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve food here."

[rckclmbr428]

You think the third one would have ducked!

[Kola]

3 guys walk into a bar.

Two of them REPEATEDLY tell everyone their height and weight.

Kola :)

[Yuhjn]

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but he never cries.

[loghousenut]

That's so deaf people can enjoy it too...... Please accept my apology if you have no sense of smell, I meant no offense.

[Yuhjn]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, but he never cries.

This one is my all time favorite. That's a DOUBLE Chuck joke in 9 words. Amazing.

Only way it could be better is if it was a Haiku.

[Klapton]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, but he never cries.

This one is my all time favorite. That's a DOUBLE Chuck joke in 9 words. Amazing.

Only way it could be better is if it was a Haiku.

Tears of Chuck Norris
Cure for any known ailment
But he never cries

[Timber]

Chuck Norris:?? I took karate from Chucks Studio in Torrance California (I think it was his first studio he?opened)?/ style was called Tang Soo Do. I might?have seen Chuck in there a couple of times--he was very?busy opening up?Studios everywhere back then in the early 70's.?I think Chuck was undefeated in his fighting career in competition. We went to a very large?International fight?held in CA. and Chuck was fighting in it.?



Two young ladies who?were in my class knew there black belt forms when they were white belts. They made karate history when they?became the youngest in the USA to receive a black belt. Colleen?and?Darlene Shepherd. There dad wanted these girls to be able to protect themselves!



I must say that for Chuck not being around?he?had?some great instructors there. I am??trying to remember my daytime instructor / think he was a red belt-and I?believe that was higher than black--just cant remember if he had yet to test for black but he was a great teacher. He was short and stout--don't let those short guys fool ?you--they are strong.



We saw some pretty gnarly?fights between the higher up belts in training--no?holding back--saw some busted noses etc--that was with?a kick.?



Heck I don't think Chuck has anything going on?karate wise?anymore but I am not sure. There was an instructor in San Pedro, CA. that was pretty tough and beating up all competitors. There was a picture of him doing a flying kick over a guys head. His style was Tae Kwon DO.



My opionion but? Bruce Lee was a way better actor than Chuck--Chuck just seemed to stiff. I really liked the Kung Fu series with David Carrradine?and?thought it was really good entertainment

[Shark]

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where is the bartender?"

lol so corny.

[Kola]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v92/kgeymont/16jkbqv.gif

[shawnis]

3 guys walk into a bar.

Two of them REPEATEDLY tell everyone their height and weight.

Kola :)

--

Sorry. I just don't get this one.

[shawnis]

A pony walks into a bar

He meekly approaches the bartender, "May I have a beer?"
The bartender says, "What did you say? I couldn't hear you."
The pony politely asks, "May I have a beer?"
The bartender says, "What did you say?!? I can't hear you!"
The pony, again, does his best, "May I have a beer?"

The bartender shouts, "You're going to have to SPEAK UP, son! I can't hear a word you're saying!"

And the pony says, "I'm sorry, I'm just a little horse."

[rreidnauer]

Two strings are walking past a bar, and one wants to get a drink. The first string goes to the bartender and asks for a beer, but the bartender tells him they don't serve strings and asks him to leave.

The string comes out to his fellow string and tells him the bartender won't serve him. So the second string ties himself into a knot and frizzes up one end and goes into the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you one of those strings?"

The string replies, "No, I'm afraid not."

[spiralsands]

Why is getting up at 4 AM like a pig's tail?

?????????????????????????????????????

It's twirly................


Frances

[2 cents]

HA!
haha. I get it.....
I got up twirly this morning myself.

[Steve Wolfe]

When did Bobby go to the dentist? Easy, when two thirty.

[Steve Wolfe]

During a visit to the mental asylum I asked the Director how do he determines whether or not a person should be institutionalized.

?Well,? said the Director, ?we fill up a bathtub and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask that they empty the bathtub.?

?Oh, I understand ,? I said. ?a normal person would use the bucket because it?s bigger than the spoon or teacup.?

?No? said the doctor, ?a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window??

Now I ask my fellow LHBA members to be honest and admit it - "Are you going to be needing a bed?"

[chadfortman]

Look, listen and learn
A man who works with his hands is a laborer,
A man who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman,
A man who works with his hands, his head and his heart is an artist.
St Francis of Assisi.

I will take the tea spoon

[JD]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

????????? 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.? For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

????????? The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

????????? So God Agreed.

????????? On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

????????? 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.? For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

????????? The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

????????? And God agreed.

????????? On the third day, God created the cow and said:

????????? 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

????????? The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

????????? And God agreed again.

????????? On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

????????? 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.? For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

????????? But the human said: 'Only twenty years?? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

????????? 'Okay,' sai d God, 'You asked for it.'

????????? So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.? For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.? For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.? And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[rreidnauer]

A ventriloquist cowboy was riding in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!

[Steve Wolfe]

Does anyone remember those quick reads and who they were written by? Here are a few old ones.

Rusty Bedsprings by I. P. Nightly
Under The Bleachers by Seymour Fanny
Spots On The Wall by Whoo Flung Poo
Yellow River by I.P. Freely

[huffjohndeb]

This converstaion between my son amd myself actually happened.

Father to 11 year old son "Do you have the permission slip"
Son "Yes"
Father "Did your mom give it to you"?
Sone "Yes"
Father "Give me the permission slip"
Son "Mom says you have it"

Now the rest of the story
Mom told Dad to fill out the permission slip. dad forgot to do it.

[chadfortman]

Hey you guys working over there with the oil companys.
I think i might need borrow some cash if i even get one gallon there ahhahaha

http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/v/12291721

[patrickandbianca]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 55?

Your Honor.

[Timber]

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. ...

[loghousenut]

Why don't sharks eat lawyers who go scuba diving?

Professional courtesy!

[loghousenut]

When lawyers die why do they get buried 12' deep instead of the usual 6'?


Because deep down they're really good people.

[Kola]

http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s225/kola58/popcorn.gif

[nobleknight]

What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?

They get taller!

[ChainsawGrandpa]

Just love this one. I can just imagine it being told by
George Burns.

An elderly gentleman wakes before dawn, makes himself
a cup of coffee, and as he has done for so many years,
takes his rod & reel down to the local lake. As he is sitting
in his rowboat he hears a small voice;
"Help me"
"Help me"
He looks down to see a small frog swimming in the lake.
The frog looks up at him and says,
"You must help me! I'm a beautiful princess, but a wicked witch cast an evil spell on me and turned me into a frog, but if you'll kiss me I'll once again become a gorgeous princess with a stunning voluptious body. We'll be married, and have hot steamy sex for hours on end every day, and when you walk down the street I'll hang on your arm and we will make all your friends sick with envy."

The old man thought about it, then reached down into
the water, scooped out the frog, and put her in his shirt
pocket. "Thanks" he said, "but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

I just love that one!

G'pa

[Timber]

A?general gets killed in battle? and? at the pearly gates he meets Saint Peter and sees some of his family and tells Peter he wants in. Peter says I can let you in one condition that you spell a word...ok says the general ....what is the word.....Love says Peter---so he spells the word gets in.?


2 years go by and Peter ask the general to watch the gates he has to leave for a few days...ok says the general....Sure enough there is a person at the gate?? the general recognizes that its the enemy soldier who killed him in battle. The soldier apologizes to the general--oh I am so sorry general-etc.....General says no worries? but?I can't let you in here unless you spell a word----sure says soldier.....what's the word???


The general?says?? Czechoslovakia

[ChainsawGrandpa]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him.

For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the amazing events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help but wonder if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around Mbembe's leg and smashed him against
the concrete wall, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[2 cents]

What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?

'ell if i know......

[2 cents]

How do you get an elephant into a Safeway paper bag?
You take the S out of safe and the F out of way.

.............


.............

Wait a minute...... there's no F in way!!

HA! HA! ha.......
yeah, lame.

[pencej]

DOH!!!

[edkemper]

That was freaking funny.

edkemper

[Roadscholar]

Hehe this is SO funny. Copyright on it though, so found a page that had it with permission.

here is the link for it and just scroll down till ya find it.
Should be worth it.:P


http://www.cowboypoetry.com/mcrae.htm

Curtis

[ragdump]

Ragdump

This is a downed Oak tree at my place ,when you look at it in the right light it looks just like some Bigfoot watching you

http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd206/ragdump/monster11111.jpg

[spiralsands]

During the French Revolution a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are all to be put to death by the guillotine.

The lawyer lies down, waiting for the blade to come down. When the blade drops it suddenly stops inches away from the lawyer's throat. Every watching agrees he can't be legally executed twice, so they let him go free.

The priest goes next and the same thing happens, the blade stops inches from his throat. Everyone watching agrees he was saved by divine intervention, so they let him go free.

The engineer is next, he stares up at the blade and suddenly he shouts out "Wait a second, I see your problem..."

[Mark OBrien]

That video was so wrong!!! LOL

Why did the blond climb the chain link fence?


To see what was on the other side!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish!

[spiralsands]

Ragdump, your tree is a little spooky! Have you ever heard of the 'green man'? It looks like you have an absolutely natural 'green man' in your woods! That is very cool.

Frances

[ragdump]

Ragdump spooky tree

The photo doesn't do it justice when the light is just right and you're walking bye it will scare you!!

[loghousenut]

It's not a joke but clearly timber has been the single most important natural resource in last 10,000 years of human evolution.


Without trees we would be in the stone age still, living in caves.


So I've been trying to figure out why there are not more "log" nicknames/handles here on this log house building forum. Am I the only one to notice that there are more names that include the word "rock" than "log"? Meaning no disrespect to anyone but could this be evolution in the making?

Thanks, Loghousenut.

[spiralsands]

A dude decides to travel cross country to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Sierra Nevada, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the State Forestry Bureau and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the manager takes him for a ride in the truck to see how much he knows.

The manager stops the truck on the side of the road and points at it. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.? The dude promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber." The manager is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the dude. Now the manager is really impressed. The dude has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the manager stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the manager finishes pointing, the dude says, "A yellow cedar, 242 board feet." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little peeved because he thinks that this dude is smarter than he. As they near the office, the manager stops the truck and asks the dude to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The manager thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the dude reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the manager and hands him the chalk. "That is the front of the tree," the dude states confidently. The manager laughs out loud and asks sarcastically, "How in the heck do you know that's the front of the tree?"The dude looks down at his feet, and replies, "Cuz someone took a poop behind it."

[ragdump]

Ragdump Now thats a logger joke

Only problem with that joke here in the Sierra's they would have called him a flatlander,I always try and stay up on the logger lingo so they don't think I'm a flatlander

[tanderson]

I googled them...Logger Jokes


Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married?
All he ever dated was trees!



What's the difference between an environmentalist and a developer?
The environmentalist already has his house in the mountains.



Once upon a time, there were two lumberjacks, named Smith and
Do-Dah. These two lumberjacks became best friends, doing everything
together. They ate together (while working, of course), worked
together, played together and even got married on the same day.
Every day, after saying goodbye to their wives, they would head
for the woods to cut down trees.
After a while, they developed a routine way of doing things.
Smith would climb up into the tree, and cut the top part off, called
"topping the tree". Then when he had climbed down, Do-Dah would cut
down the tree itself.
They did this routine for over thirty years. As the years went by,
Do-Dah started to lose his hearing.
One day, Smith topped off the tree and yelled "Timber!" to let his
friend know the top part was coming down. Do-Dah didn't hear him and
the falling tree top landed on him.
Seeing that his friend was caught under the tree top, Smith rushed
down the tree crying "Do-Dah! Do-Dah! My friend! Are you all right?"
But it was too late. His friend was dead.
After sitting and crying for a while, Smith decided he needed to go
and tell Do-Dah's wife that her husband was dead. As he walked thru
the woods, towards her house, he kept thinking, over and over, "What
am I gonna tell this poor woman? How do I tell her that her husband
is dead???"
Before he knew it, he was standing outside her door, and still
didn't know how to tell her.
Just then, the door opened. It was Mrs. Do-Dah, leaving to go
shopping.
She was surprised to see Smith standing there, and asked, "Why,
hello Mr. Smith. What can I do for you today??"
Smith was speechless and just stood there and looked at her.
Finally, from somewhere deep inside him, Smith began to sing.
"Guess who died in the woods today...Do-Dah, Do-Dah."




Back around the turn of the century, said Zeddie Gillenwater of
Sumerco, some West Virginia farmers often sold virgin timber to mills
but had a difficult time getting their logs delivered.
One inexpensive way was to pile logs in a creek and wait for a big
rain. When the water came up, the logs formed a "raft" and the farmer
floated them to the mill. Because a lot of farmers were doing this,
the logs piled up and mixed together, so the individuals "branded"
their wood.
One such farmer, a fellow called Joggie-Eye, was late getting to his
logs one morning after a big rain. When he arrived at the creek, his
timber was gone.
Joggie-Eye took off along the creek. Every unmarked log he found,
he put his mark on it.
"Hey, Joggie-Eye," another farmer yelled at him, "those aren't your
logs. Stop branding them."
"My logs vanished last night and these must be them," the brander
replied.
"They can't be your logs, Joggie-Eye. These logs are way upstream
from your place."
"Well," said the farmer, continuing to brand, "my logs left in the
night and I'm not sure which way they went."



A little withered old man walks into a timber company office,
and applies for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries
to talk him out of the idea. After all, he is old, small, and
apparently much too weak to fell trees. The old man picks up an
axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he goes to work, a high
pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere,
and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the
old man is finished chopping down the tree.
"That's just astounding," the forman says, "wherever did you
learn to chop down trees like that?"
"Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the
Sahara Forest?"
"You mean the Sahara Desert."
"Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."

[ragdump]

Ragdump

Nayda Suleman
Out for a walk with the family
http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd206/ragdump/cid_31BA2D024C844CD58E29DF1FA2AA331.jpg

[spiralsands]

Q. Why do mathematicians like national parks?
A. Because of the natural logs.




Frances

Okay, I'm sorry!

[spiralsands]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing masonry work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[Timber]

Ok, let me start by saying this pickup is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, If it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o?clock shadow, this Toyota would look like Tom Selleck. It?s just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie and Fitch that you have your eye on. It wasn?t meant to transport you to yoga class or Bed, Bath and Beyond. No, that?s what your Prius is for. If that?s the kind of car you are looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Stop.
This pickup was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man who cheats death on a daily basis. They didn?t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems(real men don?t get lost), heated leather seats(a real man doesn?t need anything to warm his butt), or On Star (real men don?t even know what the hell on star is).
No, this brute comes with things for us testosterone-fueled super action junkies. It has a 4 cylinder engine, just powerful enough to outrun the Taliban camels, but just fuel efficient enough to get you to and from the arm wrestling contests in which you repeatedly kick ass. It has brand new rancho shocks to get you in and out of the jungle without spilling your protein shake. It has a raised platform in the bed so you can sleep under the camper top after a long night in the octagon.. (or bar) It has oversized tires and a four wheel drive system that will climb a mountain like a donkey on crack. It has a plug in block heater to keep the engine starting in the middle of the coldest winter Wyoming night. It has a two Thule bars on the top of the leer bed topper to keep load whatever gear you may need to load to keep your ass in the clear.
It has room for you and the 2 other hotties (I fit 3 in the cab once) you pick up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes.
There?s only 128,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, the legendary 22r motor in this beast will outlive you and the offspring that carry your name. Did I mention this truck comes with a first aid kit? Yep, in it you will find a pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit, and a hunk of leather to bite down on while operating on yourself.
The dents and dings that serve as good memories for plowing through people I don?t like are probably less what you would expect. But a few do exist.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $4500, but I?ll entertain reasonable offers. Andy by reasonable, I mean don?t walk up and tell me you?ll give me 2 grand for it. That?s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt. Hell Yeah. Let?s just say you won?t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
Now go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it?s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he man macho Chuck Norris stunt double. Then contact me. I might be hang gliding or base jumping or just chillin with the ladies, but I?ll get back to you. And when I do, we?ll talk about a price over a glass of Schmidt while listening to Johnny Cash.
<a href="http://wyoming.craigslist.org/cto/1256316003.html">http://wyoming.craigslist.org/cto/1256316003.html</a>

[rreidnauer]

That's a heck of a sales pitch he's got there!

[DocJ]

Three engineers walk into a bar, after a few drinks they start debating about "What type of engineer would God be?" The mechanical engineer says that because of the way our body is constructed with the heart pumping blood to reach all of the muscles which operate the joints God is obviously a mechanical engineer. The computer engineer scoffs and says why our brains is an infinately complexe super computer that controls our body, allows us to learn and store data God is surely a computer engineer. The third engineer sits back quitely listening to the debate and finally chimes in, Your both wrong God is a civil engineer. Both of the other engineers stop their discussion and amusedly glance over at their friend, Really? A civil engineer? Please explain to us. The civil engineer matter of factly replies, "Who else but a civil engineer would place a waste disposal facility in middle of a recreational area? --No arguement came, God is a Civil Engineer.

One more: How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when talking to you.

[bmurphy96]

A cowboy named Mark was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, ?If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf??



Mark looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ?Sure, Why not??



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location,
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, ?You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.?



?That?s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,? says Mark.



He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then Mark says to the young man, ?Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf??



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ?Okay, why not??



?You?re a Congressman for the U.S. Government?, says Mark.
?Wow! That?s correct,? says the yuppie, ?but how did you guess that??



?No guessing required.? answered the cowboy. ?You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars
worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than I
am; and you don?t know a thing about how working people make a living ?
or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ?.



Now give me back my dog.












http://www.paragon-cs.com/shiloh

[piker]

I love it.

piker

[panderson03]

Now give me back my dog.

ROTFLMAO!!! very funny!

[spiralsands]

After examining his female patient, the doctor sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well," she said to her daughter, "We women celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have some martinis."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. Along came some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her old friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS and only have six months to live." The friends were horrified! They gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty nervous retreat.

After the friends left the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. You just told your old friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"

The woman whispered back, "Because I don't want any of those old bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

[spiralsands]

"FLU UPDATE "

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment

and for swine flu you need oinkment

Frances

[2 cents]

funny Frances!

that's my kind of joke, totally silly. ;p

LOL!!

[JayK]

I thought blonde jokes were supposed to be about women?

2 blonds go to a lumber yard and the 1 goes in the get some lumber. She tells the clerk she wants some 2x4's. The clerk ask how long she needs them? She goes back to the other blonde to ask and comes back to tell the clerk we need them for a long time, we're building a house.

[KingLewey70]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Roadscholar]

The first one:

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

The second one:

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

And the last one:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.


hehe ok that should do it.

Later
Roadscholar

[rocklock]

Subject: True Story
The Lost Bagpiper.... a true story.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside near Kincardine and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep.
I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
I was opening the door and taking off my coat when I overheard one of the workers saying, "I've never seen nothin' like that before..." Wiping his eyes he added, "...and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years !!

[chadfortman]

Did it get you any other jobs blowing the pipes from that.
Do you have Garmin ore Tom Tom GPS now.
i do it works most time and helps out allot.
So are you doing gigs when other members put in there septic tanks just messing with you hahaha seya

[Blondie]

What do you call a brunette walkng between two blondes? A translator.

Blondie, we just have more fun.

[Blondie]

I am female and blonde. I think they hillarious! AND I tell them.

[2 cents]

now that's funny.

[2 cents]

ok here's another one to get us all laughing again.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?

Thanks, I'll never part with it !

[rocklock]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Come Back?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats and Shoes.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
-

[Timber]

why didn't God send 3 Wise Women?




3?choices this is a poll


A) Because He could not find 3 wise women!


B) They were all blondes


C) Both


you know what i am thinking, but just in case


C

[clairenj]

If God had sent 3 women they would have arrived on time with sensible gifts

[2 cents]

awesome Claire!
hehehe

[2 cents]

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[Timber]

Mon, 12/21/2009 - 16:54 ? <a href="/user/clairenj" title="View user profile.">clairenj</a>


<a href="/comment/edit/42403#comment-42365" class="active">It was a test</a>






If God had sent 3 women they would have arrived on time with sensible gifts








yea ok?







<img border="0" width="150" src="/files/u3402/knfnpned.jpeg" height="150" />?

[spiralsands]

An overweight blonde consulted his doctor for advice. The doctor advised that he run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, she promised, would help him lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice and after thirty days, he was pleased to find that he had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. He phoned the doctor and thanked her for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation however, he asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Frances

[spiralsands]

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Frances

[spiralsands]

Two carpenters, Joe and Bill, were working on a house. Joe, up on a scaffold, accidently cut off his ear with the saw.

He yelled down to Bill..."Hey Bill! Look out for my ear!! I just cut it off and it fell down there to the ground!"

In a little bit Bill calls up to Joe, "Is this bloody thing your ear?" and he holds up a messy little thing for Joe to see.

Joe looks down and says "Naw! That can't be it. Mine had a pencil tucked behind it!"

Frances

[rreidnauer]

Since this thread seems to be surviving without offending too many . . . . . . .

What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?



Porcupines have their pricks on the outside.

[panderson03]

Rod that was so funny! I actually know 2 people with BMW's:)

Frances, LOOOOOVVVEED your jokes:) we girls need to stick together:)

[rocklock]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Yuhjn]

Not really jokes here. Just a couple of John Adams quotes that come to mind after reading about two cows.

Democracy... while it lasts is more bloody than either aristocracy or monarchy. Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There is never a democracy that did not commit suicide. -John Adams

While all other sciences have advanced, that of government is at a standstill - little better understood, little better practiced now than three or four thousand years ago. -John Adams

[Yuhjn]

So to keep this thread on topic here is a list of the 15 reasons to suspect Santa Claus is actually a woman.

I should be awarded bonus points on this one because it's both timely (Xmas related) and sexist (to both men/women which is keeping with the recent flavor of the thread).

?15. Santa *remembers* it?s Christmas. ?Nuf said.
?14. Reads children?s letters in office instead of in bathroom.
?13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your
stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that?s the problem!
?12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, ?Regis
and Santa Lee.?
?11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still*
insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
?10. ?Mrs. Claus? wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a ?68 El
Camino.
?9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
?8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
?7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It?s water retention.
?6. Constantly whining about equality until it?s time to clean out the
reindeer stalls.
?5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like
that!
?4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
?3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
?2. The North Pole Blockbuster?s been out of ?The Horse Whisperer? for
weeks.
?1. With the way they build chimneys these days you?d *have* to be Calista
friggin? Flockhart just to get in!

[Timberwolf]

Or whatever other vaguely religous, equally stressfull, gift giving holiday you might observe.

;-)

[mountains for me]

Not snowing here, but 23 and wind blowing, that's cold for us! Wishing everyone a healthy and happy holiday!

[clairenj]

IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: ?How could it be so??
?It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!?
?It came without packages, boxes or bags!?
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn?t before!
?Maybe Christmas,? he thought, ?doesn?t come from a store.?
?Maybe Christmas?perhaps?means a little bit more!?


Enjoy your Holidays!
Peace

[panderson03]

Good morning everyone and Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Hanukkah to everyone!

we had 8 inches of new snow on Christmas eve and woke up to another 5 inches this morning; supposed to get another few inches at least before its all said and done. truely a white Christmas! propably need to rethink the snow load on the cabin.....

May the peace of the Season keep you warm on the coldest winter nights!

[rreidnauer]

Happy Festivus! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus)

[NM bound]

We had heavy frost this morning - the grass almost looked snow covered :)
With siblings in SD, WI & UT - have been watching the weather channel a lot. It is beautiful - but dangerous.
Everyone be careful & safe............
Wishing you all a warm, wonderful day - full of family, friends, love & laughter!

[ramblinman502]

From the the bluegrass state!!

[panderson03]

Happy Festivus! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus)

I LOVE Festivus activities!!!! Hooray Seinfeld!

[Ellsworth]

FYI we will be removing some jokes from this thread that some people found objectionable.? If your joke is removed it's nothing personal.



If we could stick with clean, non-sexist, jokes you'd tell your kids while in church?that would be much appreciated.

[chadfortman]

i was cracking up reading fark.com were you read the real news that make you laugh. Dec 23 is Festivus for the rest of us ahhahah The blond jokes dont get me upset i am blond.
happy ho ho ore is bah hamburger like perfect stanger guy said.

[spiralsands]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

[spiralsands]

What do you get when you teach a pig how to do karate?
*
*
*
*
*
A pork chop.....


Frances

[Timber]

A true story of 2 tourist in Cody WY. camping. They walked to a bar and got drunk. The conversation in the bar was about bears.


As they left down the trail aways back to camp?one of the men started yelling bear, bear, and took off running while the other man climbed a tree and fell out breaking his arm. He asked his friend, where is the bear? He said I didn't see one I saw a track.


http://i547.photobucket.com/albums/hh453/Wilderness7/IMG_0080.jpg


here is a grizz track I came across while Elk hunting on foot. That track had me concerned mainly because the day before I saw a sow grizz with 2 cubs same area.

[Timber]

VERY
?INTERESTING STUFF
?
In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
?------------
-- ------------ --------- --------
?Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?Coca-Cola was
originally green.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
?Alaska
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
?------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
?The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour:
?61,000
?------------
--------- --------- ------ --- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
?------------
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- -
?The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:
?

?Spades - King David
?
Hearts - Charlemagne
?
Clubs -Alexander,
the Great
?
Diamonds - Julius
Caesar
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?
?
?A. Their birthplace
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
?
A.
Obsession
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?
?
A. One
thousand
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?
?
A. All were invented
by women.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?
?
A.
Honey
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
?
A. Father's
Day
&lt; /SPAN&gt;------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---
?In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes..
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts.... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.?
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?-
?Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
?
I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd20waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
?------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
?YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
?
?1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.
?
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
?
?3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
?
?4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.
?
5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
?
6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.
?
?7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
?
8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
?
?10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee
?
?11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
?
12 Yo u're reading
this and nodding and laughing.
?
?13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message..
?
?14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.
?
15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list
?
?~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
?
NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.
?
Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
?
? elbow.

[ChainsawGrandpa]

"...Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
than the U.S. Treasury."

Probably worth more too!

-Rick

[clairenj]

since the holidays and my reaction has words;
what a bunch of wimps.
Does just one member have to complain ??or is it our administrative justice we are experiencing???
would you not let your children read the newspapers or watch TV? I guess I'm now banned for life
but before I go, just one more thing.....I would never ever mention the NRA to any children let alone in church! but you did on this forum! go figure

[chadfortman]

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/01/09/BAL71BDC28.DTL&tsp=1


Hey Rod you want take him as pet haahaha
I would i think it funny unless i was in there shoes i be afraid then. I gone ask them take him up my area the nebors need help staying thin this year i in the gift giving spirt haahaha

[spiralsands]

since the holidays and my reaction has words;
what a bunch of wimps.
Does just one member have to complain ??or is it our administrative justice we are experiencing???
would you not let your children read the newspapers or watch TV? I guess I'm now banned for life
but before I go, just one more thing.....I would never ever mention the NRA to any children let alone in church! but you did on this forum! go figure


Claire, I have to say I rather agree with you. I titled this thread the way I did because it was supposed to be a thread that those who did not want to read it wouldn't. There are always those threads where everyone's complaining things are off topic in politics but they only seem to be off topic if someone is in disagreement with the majority. I meant to warn off anyone who cannot take a joke. Then there are those who try to turn a joke thread into something political too. I try to steer it back to just jokes but there are those who gotta say something, lots in fact, even though they really don't have a joke.

I was pretty suprized when I came back to the thread to see the stern warning there and so I looked through the thread to see what the problem was. Maybe stuff had already been deleted? I don't know. But the church reference was actually pretty funny because I think churches are pretty SCARY places and that children should not be brought to them at all. Imagine! Teaching your children that a big ghost in the sky is going to cast them to hellfire if they fib about sneaking ice cream out of the refrigerator.

Oh by the way, I have a religious joke:

What do you get when two rabbis find a penny?
.
.
.
.
COPPER WIRE!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Frances

[Timber]

wow i never was taught that in church.


even scarier--children, its ok to fib on ice-cream


but don't lie if you rob kill and burn the neighbors house down! honesty does have a place in this family of no big ghost in the sky.&lt;now that's scary!


all the rivers flow to the ocean and yet the ocean does not overflow!


you mock God then anyone should be able to reply.


lets not forget, although you started this thread the web-site still belongs to L.H.B.A. and to that I say thank God.

[loghousenut]

since the holidays and my reaction has words;
what a bunch of wimps.
Does just one member have to complain ??or is it our administrative justice we are experiencing???
would you not let your children read the newspapers or watch TV? I guess I'm now banned for life
but before I go, just one more thing.....I would never ever mention the NRA to any children let alone in church! but you did on this forum! go figure


To me it is a refreshing break from the norm to follow a forum that isn't constantly being torn away from its original purpose by the bickering and petty rantings that can take over when people like me get together with people like me. I really, REALLY enjoy pushing the envelope and anonymously throwing decorum to the wind with my postings. When it gets out of hand my initial instinct is to see how far I can push it and my sophomoric attempts at humor can be rather abrasive.

The leash that the moderator of this forum holds has kept me and my comments within bounds. I am truly thankful each time I read through the postings from my Butt and Pass family. I am confident that the efforts of the moderators is key to the civility and longivity of this forum.

I sometimes scratch my head when a posting gets pulled. On reflection it becomes apparent that there are folks out there who would naturally read such a posting differently than I. There are regulars here who are politically incorrect on the opposite side of the spectrum from the side that I am politically incorrect on. Once we get to banging heads and decide to draw that sandline and start needling each other, suddenly we start doing things that hurt the forum... things like not responding to somebody's log home building question or problem simply because we don't like their political, or religious, or racial, or gender baggage.

I decided a long time ago that I am here for the morale support that it takes to keep my head screwed on straight while I do this thing. I'm here to build a house and save my part of the world. I'll save the rest of the world on a forum that I don't care about.

Thanks for all the help I get off this forum and thanks even more for the job that you nameless moderators do. No spam, no baloney (I know it's misspelled), no foolin.... I love you guys!

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t55/loghousenut/Wow/Jkaethroatg.jpg

[spiralsands]

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[panderson03]

Hey clairenj, one of my jokes got deleted too. I hope you don't take it personally. I enjoy your posts!

[spiralsands]

A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.

The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"

The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"

[Yuhjn]

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure joke threads are a good idea on this forum. Most jokes are funny because there is a grain of truth in them. But once you start talking about truth you quickly get into people's belief system. People who believe in gods generally get very upset when you say something which may challenge their beliefs.

Meanwhile the empiricists in the group actually WANT that kind of debate. Because we develop our belief system based on the world we see around us and based on scientific evidence. This evidence is gathered through experimentation and thought, and is therefore not only likely to change, but required to change, as our beliefs develop over time to more closely match physical reality.

So there is a fundamental conflict between the people who get upset when their beliefs are challenged, and the people who actually want their beliefs challenged.

Clearly the LHBA forums are not the place for this conflict to play out.

And dont forget that Skip was not a Christian, he was in fact a Muslem. Would we argue with him about which god was the right one?


My suggestion is kill the joke threads.

(personally I like those kinds of threads, but I dont want to get banned from the LHBA. I find it hard to resist many posts which veer off in the direction of politics and religion so I'd rather not be tempted)

[Yuhjn]

I guess I'm now banned for life


Seriously? No warning or anything?

The LHBA staff has been very tolerant of me and some others. I'm very surprised to hear this.

[rreidnauer]

While the Pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has always wondered what it would be like to drive a limo. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of denying the Pope's wishes. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing 70 mph and weaving through traffic, when a policeman happened to see them. As the officer pulled them over and walked up to the driver's door, he was startled and called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who this guy is, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur."

[spiralsands]

At last! A good laugh!!!

Here's another...

A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"

When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?" Still no reply.

By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"

Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."

The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!

[spiralsands]

If we kill the joke thread then we need to kill the recipe threads, the gardening threads, the alternate power threads and any thread that anyone could possibly mention anything which could be construed as controversial. Hunting, vegetarianism, lifestyle choice, veteran status (I am one too), environmentalism, mentions of TEOWATKI etc are all rife with threats of someone exposing a belief system. When I see these threads, if I have nothing positive to contribute I ignore them. Some people always have to attempt to impose their infallible beliefs, right or wrong, on everyone else. I don't care to dominate anyone like that. I'm not gonna sit here and argue with anyone about anything.

I just wanna read some good funny jokes. If some in this crowd can't do that, then maybe some shouldn't read the thread. Maybe they are just a wee bit too defensive to human daily life outside their remote cabin hermitage.

BTW, got a joke Yuhjn?

Frances

[ramblinman502]

i dig this thread...i hope admin leaves it up..i read it cuz it makes me laugh. and i also dig the recipe thread ( ive made stuff from it )...and to hear about gardening ( cuz i cant grow anything! ) so its nice to stop by..get some advice on what kind of so and so to use for my roofing...or stain.....get some lunch ideas and a quick laugh. so.. IMHO i think they add something to the forum...and id like to see all of them stay.

i have no joke to add..so ill leave it there : )

[spiralsands]

What are O.J.'s favorite baseball teams?
The Red Sox and the Dodgers.

What baseball team does Pee Wee Herman like?
The Yankees.

What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?
One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.

What takes longer, running from first base to second, or from second to third?
Second to third, because you have to go through a shortstop.

[spiralsands]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God?s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[Yuhjn]

BTW, got a joke Yuhjn?


Yes I did have jokes but they were all deleted.

Dont get me wrong, I was one of the people suggesting we needed an off-topic forum where people could talk about anything they wanted free of moderation.

That was my suggestion, but it was decided not to go that route and instead police the existing forums more strictly.

And my point is why even have a joke thread if half the posts get deleted and the moderators have to keep going back in and doing maintenance on it? It's not providing some great service to the members. If you want to read jokes there are many websites that provide them. We dont need to provide jokes on the LHBA forum for member's amusment.

And there are plenty of members who will derail a thread if the moderators allow it, myself included.

This is shown very clearly in this thread. Someone makes a homosexual joke and someone who is sensitive to that subject shoots back with a jab about that person's 3000 year old desert-sky-god, and how a god could be such a homophobe. You see where this is going?

My point is, if you're going to go around deleting posts and threads all the time, you might as well take out the unnecessary threads (like joke threads that have nothing to do with log homes) compeltely.

It serves no real benifit to the members and produces a lot of work for moderators. So why even have it?

Your own reaction is a great example. You're upset because the thread is being over-moderated. So in response you post a number of jokes cracking on religeon, just begging to be moderated again.

Is this really what we want?

[rreidnauer]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[rocklock]

Marine vs.Terrorist
A U.S. squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back.
"Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk."
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[rocklock]

YOU MIGHT BE FROM NEW MEXICO IF:
You buy salsa by the half-gallon.
You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
Your favorite restaurant has a Chile list instead of a wine list.
You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.
Your Christmas decorations include "a yard of sand and 200 paper bags".
You have license plates on your walls but not on your car.
Most restaurants you go to begin with "El" or "Los".
You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.
You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.
The tires on your roof have more tread than the ones on your car.
You price shop for tortillas.
You have an extra freezer just for green chile.
You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
You believe that using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.
You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
You have to sign a waiver to buy hot coffee at a drive-up window.
You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.
You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.
You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Santa Fe.
You know they don't skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn't sell newspapers.
You think Sadie's was better when it was in the bowling alley.
You have used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.
You can't control your car on wet pavement.
There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.
You know that The Jesus Tortilla is not a band.
You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business.
You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.
Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.
You have been on TV more than three times telling about your alien abduction..
You can actually hear the Taos hum.
All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.
You think Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.
You iron your jeans to "dress up".
You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature the other in the state pen.
You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.
Your car is missing a fender or bumper.
You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 am because you were hungry.
You think the Lobos fight song is "Louie,Louie". (Actually, I always thought the Lobos fight song was the theme to The Mike Roberts Show!)
You know whether you want "red or green."
You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer potholes.

[fossten]

Having lived in Albuquerque, I can verify that most of these are actually true.

[Yuhjn]

And the point of these posts is clearly to upset the moderators and waste their time cleaning up a thread they already warned us about?

It's like the teenager when you tell him not to do something that's exactly what he does, just to spite you.

So for those keeping score at home. Since we were warned and had posts deleted we've had a rash of religeous jokes, a Zenophobic joke about Mexicans, and a joke that tries to insult liberals by drawing similarities between US Military personel and terrorists?

[ADMIN NOTE: Please keep all jokes clean. As in "radio friendly." Nothing mean spirited, i.e. no sexism, racism, homophobia, et cetera. Thanks]

Are long lists of insults about how crappy Mexican culture is radio friendly? Could you say that on the radio and not loose your job?

The new jokes are actually a lot more offensive than the ones that got deleted!

Awesome I'm sure Ellsworth will be pleased...

[rreidnauer]

Who knew a joke thread could be taken so seriously?

Wow . . . . . . . .

[rocklock]

Comprehending Engineers is difficult at best. I know because I am.
=============================
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
=============================
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
=============================
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
=============================
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning or a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
============================
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
=============================
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark...................................$1.00
Knowing where to put it......................$49,999.
============================
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
=============================
Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
==============================
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
===============================
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
=============================
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
=============================
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

[ChainsawGrandpa]

Aside from the best jokes on the thread, they are some of
the best I have ever read. I might change one to:

To the pessimistic psychiatrist the patient is half crazy,
To the optimistic psychiatrist, the patient is half sane.

....and, since I'm part German I can get away with this:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. GERMAN engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
My BMW (Bring More Water, (they were notorious for over heating), or is it Bad Motor Works?). That car had more add-on features to fix a fix, and to keep the part working correctly that fixed the fix.
A team of German engineers couldn't figure out a way to
keep the windshield from being fogged in a rainstorm?
(All air cooled Porsches more than seven years old, and the Rabid Rabbit), and of course, the Mercedes Benz. Why put genuine rubber mounts directly under the most likely place where a diesel will drip fluid??? I guess ranting isn't the funniest part of a joke thread....

I do like the sign in a bike shop:
" If it ain't broke, we'll fix it till it is."

-Rick

[Ellsworth]

Just a couple of points I'd like to address.



Moderating:
As I've said before, moderating a forum is essentially a no win situation (in regards to being everyone's buddy).? If you don't take action on some specific issue, then you piss off some people? if you do take action on that issue, then you piss off some other people.?



Personally I just follow my Dad's advice &quot;If you're making everyone happy, then you're probably doing something wrong.&quot;? Myself, and the other forum moderators, focus on enforcing our Terms of Service in as fair a manner as possible.? We strive to do so in a way that ensures the forum runs smoothly ? and I make no apologies for that.



That?means we'll occasionally have to delete a thread, delete some posts, or ban a user.? When that happens it's never personal, we're just trying our best to enforce rules and cut down on problems.? We aren't perfect, you might not always agree with our actions, but that's all there is too it.



Forum philosophy:
Generally we are pretty laissez faire when it comes to the forums.? Association members always get more leeway than the general public.? Posts on in the members only area also get more leeway than posts in the public area.



That laissez faire attitude did bite us a few times in the past, so this last year we've tried to be?a bit more proactive in addressing potential problems before they have the chance to grow.? This was not some huge draconian shift in the way we enforce our ToS, and imho it'd be hard to accuse the staff or moderators from stomping around with steel toed boots messing with members or posts willy nilly.? Instead we just tried to gently tilt things a little more towards being proactive.



This joke thread:
We did have some complaints about some of the jokes in the thread.? We always listen to complaints but we never blindly act on them.? If a complaint seems to have merit, then the moderator will consider the issue carefully before taking any action.? If it seems necessary then the moderators will consult with each other before acting.? That is fairly standard practice on all decent internet forums.



Now the bottom line on this thread is that there were jokes posted that could be construed as sexist and homophobic.? I firmly believe that there was absolutely no ill-will meant, and no mean spirit behind the jokes or comments.? I also believe that the spirit of the jokes could easily be misconstrued or misinterpreted by some casual reader.? Sure, in a perfect world everyone would have thick skin and recognize a joke as a joke ? but this just isn't a perfect world.?



So the real bottom line is that the LHBA absolutely will not be associated with such beliefs or ideas.? If there's a post or thread that could mistakenly give the impression that we tolerate such beliefs, then it will be addressed.? We will err on the side of caution when it comes to not allowing sexism, homophobia, or racism on this forum.?



In other words, we might be accused of being a bit to zealous when it comes to deleting topics that could be remotely construed in such a manner, especially in the non-members area.? In the members only area there'd probably be a bit more leeway (i.e. a blonde joke or two might fly, but anything mean spirited would be tossed).



Claire's comment:
Claire was not banned.? No one who participated in this thread was banned.? To date we have not banned any Association member from the forum, we've come close but it hasn't happened yet.?



I assume the comment that Claire made was her way of 'protesting' or complaining about the actions of the forum moderators.?



This is a great example of what happens when a moderator takes an action, and someone makes a snarky comment about it on the forum.? It leads to the problems getting worse and not better, because it unnecessarily interjects a higher level of drama and rumors.? For that reason we have a rule that is used by a lot of forums, ToS # 22 &quot; Discussions about moderator or administrator actions are welcome in email but should not be discussed in public forums. This is out of respect for the members and moderators or policy involved.&quot;?



If you have a problem with a moderator's action, the best thing to do is contact us.? Email <a href="mailto:info@loghomebuilders.org">info@loghomebuilders.org</a>, or email <a href="mailto:staff@loghomebuilders.org">staff@loghomebuilders.org</a> (that's the best address since it deals with forum issues, but we only check it every few days), or email myself or Steve.?



We'll be happy to explain our reasons and listen to your concerns.? I can't promise you'll end up 100% happy after contacting us, but hopefully you'll end up with the understanding that we weren't trying to specifically single you out for no particular reason, or that we were just randomly trying to screw with people.? We're a little crazy, but we aren't crazy like that ;)?



We'll leave this thread open for a little while longer, and then lock it up.? That doesn't mean jokes aren't allowed on the forum, just that this thread took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.? In the future please try to avoid jokes that are potentially inflammatory, controversial et cetera.



As always, everyone at the LHBA appreciates your understanding about these issues.? I believe we have the best group of people on the web, and I'm constantly amazed at how awesome our forum is, and all the participants.? I'm extremely thankful (knock on wood) that threads/issues like this pop up very infrequently, and for the most part everyone manages to put aside their disagreements and differences for the sake of forum unity.

[ChainsawGrandpa]

Though I'm part German, maybe I should be gentler, and
kinder....

A Teutonic engineer walks into a bar....

Also, my thanks to Mr. E, Steve, and all those in charge of
the forum. Log home people seem to be renegades.
It has to be a big job steering a large group like us.
My hats' off to all of you.

-Rick

[rocklock]

Note: I shortened this. It is actually about twice as long...
Another note about a previous cultural list. None of this list was referring to any particular race or ethnicity. There is a germ of truth in every joke - or its not funny.
How You Know People Are from Hawai?i

They have separate circuit breakers for their rice cookers. ?
Only NOW they know that cilantro is the same as Chinese parsley. [Also, that they?ve been eating chorizo (Portuguese sausage, see ) all this time.] ?
No matter where they are on the island, they always know where to get the best shave ice [vaguely similar to a ?snow cone? on the mainland except that the ice is shaved, not chopped, so finely that it melts softly in your mouth and is available with a large variety of flavored syrups, including unusual ones such as guava, lilikoi (passion fruit), lychee and the ubiquitous li hing mui (see ), and a variety of toppings, such as snow cap (condensed milk), or base layers, such as azuki beans, mochi balls or ice cream].
????[See Jung?s Shave Ice by going to Friends (http://fsakamoto.com/ff.html)?> Family Friends.]
When they visit another island, they first find out where to get the best shave ice before they leave home.?
Everyone (including small keiki [kids] just out of diapers) understands ?go shi-shi? [Japanese (and Korean) for ?urinate?].
????Also called 5-4-4 (pronounced fi-fo-fo) by those who know how to count in Japanese [1-2-3-4-5?= ichi-ni-san-shi-go].
????[Even doctors will tell their patients to ?go shi-shi in the cup? to request a urine sample.]?
The concepts of ?stay going? [preparing to go or in the process of going somewhere] and ?go staying? [either not planning on going anywhere, or, alternatively, the act of arriving or finding yourself situated somewhere physically or in a particular emotional state] are perfectly clear [see last paragraph of ].
????[The more advanced forms, such as (but not limited to) go stay going, go stay coming, stay go staying and stay go going staying are best left to the experts.
????Example of a local sentence: ?Eh, go; I go stay come? (=??Why don?t you just go on ahead and I?ll follow you very soon?).]
?
If it?s not necessary to explain the intricacies of multiple people traveling to, from or remaining in multiple places, it?s much preferred to use the single local word ?gongo.?
????[With the proper inflection and body-language, the question, ?Eh, you gongo town?? (gongo?= going to go) is fully equivalent to the much-less-efficient standard-English, ?Are you, by any chance, planning on being anywhere even remotely close to the general vicinity of downtown Honolulu (the business district; i.e., will you be on the leeward half of the island sometime during normal daylight hours?), and, if so, where would you like to meet for lunch??]
?
At the end of any question [as above in, ?Eh, you gongo town??], their inflection goes down [everywhere else in the English-speaking world, the inflection goes up].
?
Their whole day is planned around where they?re going to eat lunch and dinner, and with whom [cf. number 64].
?
If they go anywhere near Kahuku, they have to bring back fresh sweet corn.
?
They know where to go to get fresh laulau [a Hawaiian ?burrito? of beef, pork and fish wrapped in taro leaves and steamed in ti-leaves] and kalua pig [see Dad?s authentic kalua pig recipe (http://fsakamoto.com/friends/kalua.html)].
?
Rice is the uncontested staple starch (see ) and the household supply is considered dangerously low when it?s allowed to drop below 10 pounds. [This will automatically trigger the purchase of another 50-pound (if you live alone) or 100-pound bag.]
????Potatoes are only available as Maui chips, French fries, or in macaroni-potato salad (macaroni salad or ?pasta salad,? as it?s referred to on the mainland, always includes potatoes), unless you?re trying to impress your date at a fancy restaurant.
?
When parking their car they search for?? in this order?? the space:
for handicapped persons (if there?s someone along who qualifies, or can act like they qualify)
with the most shade
that?s the cheapest
that minimizes walking (either to the exit [especially if they plan on eating a large meal in a restaurant] or to the entrance, if there?s any difference)
where they can get out the quickest (if it?s a parking lot at an event and people will be leaving all at once)
where they can park the longest (no matter how little time they plan on being there)
that?s the widest so somebody won?t nick their paint
on the correct side of the street so when leaving they won?t have to cross too many lanes of traffic or make a left turn into on-coming traffic?? ever.
If the space has all the above attributes, dey bettah grabbum [they had better take it], whether or not they have any real business to attend to in the immediate area [same as in San Francisco or New York City].
?
When they have to park in the sun they cover their steering wheel and driver?s seat with a towel so they won?t burn their hands or okole [bottom, rear end] when they get back in.
????[Technically it should be lemu (buttocks), since ?okole refers to a specific ?more central? part of a person?s bottom, but its meaning has become commonly accepted as ?bottom.? See .]
?
Jun-ken-po [known as paper-scissors-stone on the mainland] is the preferred method of arbitrary decision-making between two parties, since it doesn?t require having to locate a coin and everyone agrees that it?s the most fair. (Dad and his classmates played it during their in Vegas.)
????[Regional variants exist, for example:
Junken a munken,
a sucka sucka po,
Wailuku, Wailuku,
big fat toe.]
?
Their salt shakers contain grains of uncooked rice [to keep the salt from caking due to the high humidity].
?
?Low-fat milk? sounds Chinese when they hear it at first.
?
They don?t become dumbfounded and tonguetied when pronouncing a name with what appears to mainland folks to be too few consonants and way more vowels clumped together than necessary, such as Kaaawa [Ka?a?awa, pronounced Ka-ah-ah-vah] or Kalanianaole, although Moiliili [Mo?ili?ili, pronounced Mo-ili-ili] is often mispronounced Moi-li-li.
????[Oddly enough, visitors who speak Japanese or Spanish have less trouble with pronunciation because the vowels are always pronounced the same way and, once they get used to the idea that each vowel is pronounced separately, they can do quite well. The one difficulty is that Japanese doesn?t have an L. See for a discussion about Japanese pronunciation.]
????[Pronunciation of Hawaiian is simpler than Japanese or Spanish because it has the shortest alphabet in the world, only 12 letters: a, e, i, o, u, h, k, l, m, n, p, w (sometimes pronounced as a v).]
?
?Making pupu for watching UH Wahines on top the TV? (see ) sounds appetizing and displays good planning rather than sounding gross and disgusting, as it does to someone from the mainland. [Pupu?= appetizer.]
????[Kukae is the local word corresponding to what mainlanders think of when they hear the word pupu; in Hawai?i, pupu and kukae are associated with opposite ends of the digestive system.]
????[Also, dey open da light (turn on the light) for make the pupu and close da light (turn it off) for watch TV.]
?
They?re always on ?Daylight Savings Time?: they begin their jogging at 4:30 in the morning so it won?t get too hot.
????[Hawaii doesn?t go on Daylight Savings Time because they?re at the same latitude (15?) as Mexico City (much farther south than most people on the mainland realize), so there?s not much difference between summer and winter.]
????[Arizona also doesn?t go on Daylight Savings Time but the Navajo Reservation, located there, does, leading to some confusion if you?re traveling back and forth over some invisible border (e.g., in and out of Canyon de Chelly National Monument). Fortunately Hawaii doesn?t have this confusion so the local concept of time remains extremely consistent throughout the year (see ).]
????[The only significant seasons are the rainy season (wintertime, when you don?t have to watah plants every day) and mango season (beginning of summer, around on the Fort of Joo-lai).
????Everyone with a mango tree in their yard has a mango picker (http://fsakamoto.com/sakamoto/s3.html), consisting of a long bamboo pole (or two poles lashed together), a wire loop made from a clothes hanger (with a narrower rounded-V shape at the far end so that it will hook the mango stem and not let the fruit slip back out), and a cloth bag to catch the fruit.]
?
After an meal, the men adjourn to the nearest bench with toothpicks in their teeth and their T-shirts pulled up above their opu [stomachs] to give them air.
?
They get late-night cravings for saimin [Hawaii-style Japanese noodle soup, ramen].
?
They keep track of all the fundraisers around town so they can plan their supply of ono ono huli huli chicken [huli?= turn around, huli huli?= keep turning around?= rotate?= turned manually or using a rotisserie over a barbeque, see ].
?
Everyone agrees that hapa [half or part, meaning mixed-ancestry] kids [like me, Naomi] are the best looking. [See store in Kobe, Japan.]
?
Everybody avoids a kid with hanabata [hana?= Japanese for flower (flower of your face?= nose), bata?= butter; therefore, nose butter?= ??you figure it out] and everybody knows what it?s like to go through the ?hanabata days (http://www.alohaworld.com/hanabuddah/)? when they were kids.
????[Here?s a good fun list (http://fsakamoto.com/sakamoto/callmecrazy.html) of memories from the ole days by Clinton Lee that?s posted on the AlohaWorld.com (http://www.alohaworld.com/hanabuddah/) website, reformatted with links to related parts of our website and with additional explanations or comments.]
?
If somebody calls them lolo [Hawaiian for stupid], baka [Japanese for stupid] or bakatare [local Japanese for fool or idiot (the R is prounounced more like a D here?? but not quite, see and a discussion of )], babooze [Portuguese for dummy], mento [a mental case], or puka head [hole in your head], they get really huhu [angry] and habuts [upset]?? unless it happens to be their nickname; see .
????If, on the other hand, they?re caught acting lolo (wot, again?) they just use one of the many good excuses they?ve already used lots of times before when they were caught behaving stupidly.
?Low, low prices? have a different connotation than on the mainland.
?
If they can?t remember a good excuse quickly enough to avoid looking even more lolo, they just say, ?Wot, boddah you?? [What?s the matter, did whatever I was doing bother you?], or, mo? bettah [even better], ?Wot??
?
When someone tells them something unexpected they ask, ?Hahkum?? [How come (that?s so)? or Why is that?].
????[We only recently discovered that this isn?t a standard English response and people don?t understand what you mean if you say this on the mainland.]
????[This use of the word ?come? can be very effectively combined with the variants involving traveling: ?Hahkum you go stay go when I stay go coming already? Now I come stay habuts fo real!? (Why did you leave when I was already on my way over to meet you? Now I?m really upset!) See and .]
?
When someone informs them that something needs to be done they ask, ?Fo wat?? [For what reason? Why? Note: the multipurpose ?Hahkum?? also works nicely in this case. Also note that, to be most effective and authentic, the inflection always goes down at the end of a question (see ).]
?
If it?s Kona weather [warm wind coming from the direction of Kona (south) or no cooling tradewinds at all], they say, ?Atsui! Atsui!,? or ?Ho da hot!?
?
When they get into a fix they say things are ?aw jam up? [messed up].
?
If things don?t go their way they say, ?Gunfunit!? [Confound it!]
?
If makeup doesn?t improve your appearance, they say, ?Poho? or ?Wase time? [a waste of time].
?
Their philosophy on getting something done is, ?If can, can. If no can, no can.? [If it?s at all possible to accomplish it, I?ll surely get it done. If it turns out to be an impossible task then I won?t be able to do it for you.]
?
If they mess up, somebody is bound to ask, ?Wassamattayou?? [What?s the matter with you? or What?s wrong with you? Compare to .]

A local conversation can go something like this:
?Wassamattayou??
?Wassamattame? Wassamattayou wassamattame??
[?What?s wrong with you??
?What?s wrong with me? What is your problem, asking me what?s wrong with me??]
?
Their sentence structure is ?somewhat loose? and is closer to many foreign languages than to proper English: the subject often follows the verb (which, to make matters worse, is sometimes omitted).
????E.g., ?Ho, so small the place!? [?Wow, this is such a small world!?] See Friends (http://fsakamoto.com/ff.html)?> Stanford?> More Pictures?> Lois and John (near the bottom of the page), or Dobis (http://fsakamoto.com/df.html), for appropriate applications of this sentence.
????[Another example, ?Oh wow li?dat, wen go awready da guys.? (How rude of them! You missed your ride because your friends didn?t wait for you to get here.)]
?
When it?s done they say ?pau!? [finished].
?

[fossten]

Just to be clear, Dave's joke about Aztec, NM was a joke about NEW Mexican culture, and all of it is based on actual cultural idiosyncrasies that are unique to that state. It's not a racial crack on Mexicans. If you've ever been in New Mexico, you're nodding your head and chuckling when you read that list. I know I was.

[panderson03]

Also, my thanks to Mr. E, Steve, and all those in charge of
the forum. Log home people seem to be renegades.
It has to be a big job steering a large group like us.
My hats' off to all of you.

-Rick

I whole heartedly agree. thanks Mr. E, Steve and other moderators for working so hard to make this forum such a good place to go. Its a huge and thankless job. I couldn't imagine building our own LHBA place with out it or the support it offers.

thanks for all you do!

[2 cents]

dave, kahlua pig rules!
i was intorduced to that last year and now i know 2 placed in portland where i can get it.
and i know how to count in japanese.
maybe i am part hawaiian?

[spiralsands]

Your own reaction is a great example. You're upset because the thread is being over-moderated. So in response you post a number of jokes cracking on religeon, just begging to be moderated again.

Actually You're wrong. I'm not upset. I was just a little suprised only because I had no idea what you guys were talking about. I really don't care if it's moderated. I don't try to push anyone's buttons and I'm careful what jokes I submit. What on earth did you guys write to start all this? I really wasn't paying attention.

All of the 'religion' jokes I told were jokes that you might hear any Catholic priest tell in a sermon to. And I can say that because I spent a lot of years in the Catholic Church. Like this one:

Most people assume WWJD is for ?What would Jesus do?? But the initials really stand for ?What would Jesus drive??

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because ?the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.?

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to ?pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.?

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain ?until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast.?

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, ?For I did not speak of my own Accord.?

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, ?the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills.?

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: ?Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land.? And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: ?The Apostles were in one Accord.?

[Timberwolf]

It's like trying to load bullfrogs in a pickup truck.

[panderson03]

It's like trying to load bullfrogs in a pickup truck.

I'll have to remember that one:)

[dvb]

I wish to express my sincere gratitude for the effort that is expended on our behalf by Ellsworth, Steve and the rest to keep this forum open and working. I thank you for the honesty and integrity with which you monitor this forum and keep us all in line. It truly must be like herding cats!!
This forum is an invaluable tool for all of us who use it!
Dean
LHBA Class of Feb. 2006
Best investment of my life.
http://s522.photobucket.com/albums/w343/deanbrossman/

[Timber]

the NBA vs NFL




Even if you aren't a sports fan this is very interesting!




? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?


36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectlybankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault
71repeat71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21currently are defendants in lawsuits,

and
84have been arrested for drunk driving

in the last year



Can
you guess which organization this is?

NBA Or NFL

?




Give up yet?







Neither,
it's the 535 members of the
United States Congress

The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[rocklock]

I was reading through the list thinking "boy, that certainly sounds like the congress - I wonder which one (NBA or NFL). And why all the empty space - then I scrolled down... Now that's funny! And they want to take over 1/6 of our economy... go figure.
Note: I take this as a NON-PARTASON JOKE!!!

[Timber]

Well I am a gun toting against big gov. etc.
I just watched the movie put out by HBO on dvd called
John Adams - its once again time for a revolt on Gov.
They certainly don't care or listen to what the people want--mainly freedom FROM GOV

[Yuhjn]

John Adams - its once again time for a revolt on Gov.



Ironic since John Adams was responsible for the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_and_Sedition_Acts">Alien and Sedition Act</a>.



John Adams was no fan of small government. He wanted freedom from the British government, and to replace it with a strong federal government in this country.?

Although I thought tossing that 2nd presidential election by not going to war with France and letting that crazy-liberal Jefferson into the driver's seat was an incredibly atruistic thing to do, and is in my opinion his greatest legacy.

[ramblinman502]

now...that, was funny. : )

[Timber]

[quote=Timber] John Adams - its once again time for a revolt on Gov.



Ironic since John Adams was responsible for the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_and_Sedition_Acts">Alien and Sedition Act</a>.



John Adams was no fan of small government. He wanted freedom from the British government, and to replace it with a strong federal government in this country.? Although I thought tossing that 2nd presidential election by not going to war with France and letting that crazy-liberal Jefferson into the driver's seat was an incredibly atruistic thing to do, and is in my opinion his greatest legacy.



I??never said i liked or was for John Adams! I? said I watched the DVD put out by HBO.? Let's see, its called John Adams.



John Adams, hmm big government, yeah that makes sense! After all he was a democrat



Lets not spin opinions on things. &lt; simply meaning someone mentions New Mexico and you think Mexicans.



I mention the DVD John Adams and suddenly I am a believer in everything he did lol! I thought the DVD was pretty good?.?I happen to think that Paul Giamonti is a great actor!



The story shows what great sacrifices ordinary men made to start this great country. George Washington was depicted in the?movie as a very humble man. I don't wish to ruin the movie by telling the story, ?but I recommend watching it.



I have to add the way the movie ended was a historic moment I might have learned but forgot all about it....amazing ending ...much more than a coincidence

[loghousenut]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found
him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"

"That's Oregon, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Oregon are going to be beautiful, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They
will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[Mosseyme]

Not bad LHN

[loghousenut]

And it's all true! I have an atheist version but it uses Houston as the balance (sorry Captn, it'sa joke).

[Mosseyme]

This Fla. guy finally retires to his life of leisure and celebrates by splurging on a brand new shiny Porsche convertible. First day takes her out for a spin and decides test her out a bit. Cranks it up and is cruising along at 90ish when a trooper pulls out and gives chase. Fla guy is kinda pumped and floors it thinking he can just out run that smokey. Gets her up to 120 and climbing when sanity raises its ugly head and says, what do you think you are doing? So Fla. guy slows her down and pulls off to wait for the trooper to catch up. Trooper guy just a bit put out pulls up and climbs out of his cruiser. It is shift change time and he just really doesn't want to mess with this smart--- rich dude. So he comes up to Fla guy and says " you know, it is quittin time and I really don't want all this paper work so if you can give me some kind of decent excuse why you were speeding like that I might just let you go. Fla. guy pauses a moment catching his breath then looks at trooper guy. Well sir, 3 months ago my wife ran off with a Fla. State Trooper, and sir, I thought you were bringing her back!!! Trooper guy {when he can catch his breath} sir, slow down, and have a nice day!!

[rocklock]

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.:cool:

[loghousenut]

Dave,

Next time buy a pack of muffins... She'll ask if you are building a log house. You never know where you can take that conversation.

(inside joke)

[Cruiser]

Rock...that was hilairous! LOL

[BillnChristi]

I have not yet read any of the jokes on this thread, but my 72 yr old mom just sent me one that I had to share with THIS tree-lovin' group. I hope it hasn't already been posted and that it's not too "risque." LOL

Two Trees and a Woodpecker
>
> It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
> here is one:
>
> Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
> tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
> that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
>
> The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
> sapling.
>
> The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
> is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
>
> The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
> neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
> little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
>
> Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on.

[ChainsawGrandpa]

A (Cultural?) question:

In 1968 Almad Alradji left Saudi Arabia and moved to Spain where he studied engineering at La Universidad de Espana en Catalyuna. While there he met Rosita Velasquez. Despite their cultural differences the couple married. A year later the couple was informed that Rosita would be giving birth to twins. Almad's family culture dictated that the first born was to be named after the paternal grandparent, while tradition in Rosita's family dictated that the first born was to be named after the maternal grandparent. Since the twins would be born only minutes apart, the families were informed that Almad and Rosita would let fate decide the names. When Rosita gave birth, Almad flipped a coin and named the firstborn Juan, thus giving Jamal the name of the second born. The boys grew to be identical twins and throughout their lives both sets of grandparents, as well as the parents only carried with them a photo of the firstborn son, but not his twin brother. Why was that?

G'pa

[donjuedo]

A (Cultural?) question:

both sets of grandparents, as well as the parents only carried with them a photo of the firstborn son, but not his twin brother. Why was that?

G'pa

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal! :-)


Peter

[LogSurfer2]

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.:cool:

Rocklock - that was frickin' hilarious!!! Kinda spit on my computer a little when I read that!!!

[spiralsands]

WOW! Last time I saw this thread it had been closed to any more comments because people started fighting on it, or something. I'm glad it's open again!

Frances

P.S. Two rich men were sitting in the club having cocktails. One rich man said to the other, "Here's a joke. A rich man and a poor man were walking down the street..."
"Hold on a second," his rich friend interrupted. "What's a 'poor man'?" They both burst out laughing and laughed till tears ran down their cheeks.

[spiralsands]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[loghousenut]

You left out Texans... Oh never mind.

[jrdavis]

wait -- was that a joke?

bruhahahahaahaha

[GENE13]

My wife the NASCAR freak put our kids up to informing me she was expecting a sporty car for our 25th anniversary, she did her best to clue me in every chance she could.
A couple days before our big day I asked her what she wanted for our anniversary, jokingly she told me she was wanting something
that could go from 0 - 200 in about 4 seconds.

ARE YOU READY............................................. .......

0 - 200 IN ABOUT 4 SECONDS---------------------------------

ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY??????????????????????????????????

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

I bought her .................... BATHROOM SCALES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scoutman]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her and kisses her neck. He then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife. Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill both of us!!! Be strong, honey. I love you!' His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[edkemper]

GENE13,

How much is the first payment for that divorce attorney? (Kidding I hope)

[Timber]

Brother Jesse is on a school tour of elementray classes and enters a class room where the kids were studing words and there meanings.
Jesse ask the teacher if he can take over and gets the OK.

He asks the kids who can tell him the meaning of the word tragedy? Jimmy raises his hand and says I know---lets say little Steve is on a farm and a tractor runs him over and dies...that would be a tragedy.

MR. Jackson says no, thats "an accident". Anyone else know? Little Sally lifts her hand and says I know. OK lets say a school bus flips over on the freeway after missing a corner and all the kids and driver were killed...that would be a tragedy!

No, says Jesse, that would be a "great loss". Can't someone give me the deff. and meaning of the word tragedy?

Little Billy in the back raises his hand and says I know...Lets say Mr. & Mrs. Jackson get on an airplane and a terrorist shoots them down just after takeoff, all are killed. Now I know that is a tragedy because it was "no accident" and certainly not a "great loss"

[edkemper]

Timber,

You win. That's funny.

[GENE13]

GENE13,

How much is the first payment for that divorce attorney? (Kidding I hope)


I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, however, I don't have a death wish either, LOL :-)

[spiralsands]

One fine sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest. He was walking by a small stream when sitting on a nearby toadstool, he noticed asad, sad-looking frog.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain?"

"Once upon a time I was an 11-year-old choirboy at your very church. I too was walking by this stream when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. "Let me pass!'' I cried, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand turned me into the frog you now see before you."

"That's an incredible story!" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing the witch's spell?"

"Yes," said the frog. "It is said that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and a good night's sleep, I will wake up as a boy again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and forthwith picked up the frog and took him home. He gave him lots of food, placed him by the fire, and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. And, lo! Miracle of miracles, when he awoke the next morning there was the 11 year old Choirboy beside him in bed.

And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense.

[loghousenut]

Stranger than fiction...

It's no joke folks. Not an urban legend. I won't insult you by saying that my brother-in-law actually knows the guy who saw it happen... It actually happened to me.

Some background about me and clothes. I don't like em and I only wear them to be less offending to others and to have a method of carrying a pencil and leatherman,etc etc. I have never unbuttoned a "buttonup" shirt to take it off and have never buttoned it after putting it on unless it was new. I throw clothes on in an instant and they stay on me like that unless the Wife gives me "that look" that says change it.

One of the interesting developments that has happened as my girth has grown larger is that I don't find it necessary to unbutton and unzip my pants just because they are coming off. Heck, I just suck it in and push them down and off they come. They go on in reverse order.

So here's the part where the joke's on me. Today as I was getting dressed to go to town for work (I work retail and that means Sunday) I pulled my Burmuda Shorts on and belted up with my cellphone pouch and my leatherman. I threw my Hawaiian shirt over my head and slipped in to a matched set of socks and a matched set of running shoes. I wandered around the house doing this n that and got my lunch and water bottle ready.

Then it happened. I grabbed my wallet and keys and.... The pockets were all wrong. Yup, I'd done it all with backwards pants and had no idea. The fly was on the pooper side. Had I been in the habit of walleting up before I slipped the pants on I'd have probably went to work that way. I like to think that Patty would have noticed it and said something but, knowing her she woulda probably just called work and warned them so they could all watch and laugh behind my very wide back. At least I hope she woulda called them. I'd hate to hear that she missed such an opportunity.

[Scoutman]

Too funny LHN!!!!! :D

[jrdavis]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHH....


Ok. I'm recovered.
Definately better than non-fiction, but that thar's funny.

[John17three]

Q: Know how to turn a dishwasher into a snow-blower?

A: Give her a shovel!

disclaimer: I love my wife, and respect her role in our family. Just thought the joke was funny. Feel free ladies to take a crack at us guy's, too! : -)

[spiralsands]

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his house. Its not dead, its just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris was dropped twice when he was a baby. Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

[Jane Doe]

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.:cool:


Oh how I laughed and laughed at this. I wish I was witty like that! Fuuuuunny!

[spiralsands]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer
who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through
her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked
The policewoman replied,
'It's square and it has your picture on it..'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror,
then handed it back saying, OK, you
can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

[loghousenut]

Most likely a true story. My ladyfriend Elaine was blonde (back when I was skinny and muscular)(and single).

[dvb]

A speeder was pulled over by an officer.
The officer asked for drivers license, registration and Proof of Insurance.
The person handed them all over and asked why he was pulled over.
The officer replied that he was speeding, 65 in a 55.
The person responded that he was only keeping up with traffic and asked why he was pulled over.
The officer asked if he was a fisherman.
He responded that he was and was pretty good at it.
The officer asked if he ever caught them all?

[Peach1956]

A man had just bought a brand new yellow Ferrari. He took it out on the interstate to see what it could do.
As he got on the ramp to enter the highway he just applied a little pressure on the accelerator. He was going 100mph in a flash. Soon he was going 150. True to the expression "Texas is the Biggest Police State in the south"... A trooper shot his laser and nailed his speed. The guy was zooming at 175. It took a quite a while for the Trooper catch up.

The man saw the flashing lights and decided to slow down and pull over. The trooper walked up calmly and said. This is Friday and the week end is near. My shift is over in 30 minutes and I really don't want any more paperwork.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I have never heard before... I'll let you go.

The man thought for about 10 seconds and said I have one. The Trooper said OK, Lets hear it.

The man said, Several months ago my wife just up and left me for a State Trooper and I thought you were the one and you were trying to bring her back.

The Trooper could not hide the smile and said , Yes sir.... now slow down and have a nice weekend.

[marronnin]

A man had just bought a brand new yellow Ferrari. He took it out on the interstate to see what it could do.
As he got on the ramp to enter the highway he just applied a little pressure on the accelerator. He was going 100mph in a flash. Soon he was going 150. True to the expression "Texas is the Biggest Police State in the south"... A trooper shot his laser and nailed his speed. The guy was zooming at 175. It took a quite a while for the Trooper catch up.

The man saw the flashing lights and decided to slow down and pull over. The trooper walked up calmly and said. This is Friday and the week end is near. My shift is over in 30 minutes and I really don't want any more paperwork.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I have never heard before... I'll let you go.

The man thought for about 10 seconds and said I have one. The Trooper said OK, Lets hear it.

The man said, Several months ago my wife just up and left me for a State Trooper and I thought you were the one and you were trying to bring her back.

The Trooper could not hide the smile and said , Yes sir.... now slow down and have a nice weekend.

LOL,, only took about a year for this to come back around....


This Fla. guy finally retires to his life of leisure and celebrates by splurging on a brand new shiny Porsche convertible. First day takes her out for a spin and decides test her out a bit. Cranks it up and is cruising along at 90ish when a trooper pulls out and gives chase. Fla guy is kinda pumped and floors it thinking he can just out run that smokey. Gets her up to 120 and climbing when sanity raises its ugly head and says, what do you think you are doing? So Fla. guy slows her down and pulls off to wait for the trooper to catch up. Trooper guy just a bit put out pulls up and climbs out of his cruiser. It is shift change time and he just really doesn't want to mess with this smart--- rich dude. So he comes up to Fla guy and says " you know, it is quittin time and I really don't want all this paper work so if you can give me some kind of decent excuse why you were speeding like that I might just let you go. Fla. guy pauses a moment catching his breath then looks at trooper guy. Well sir, 3 months ago my wife ran off with a Fla. State Trooper, and sir, I thought you were bringing her back!!! Trooper guy {when he can catch his breath} sir, slow down, and have a nice day!!

[loghousenut]

That's the beauty of a poor memory, Sonny!

Heck, I can see a movie for the first time 4 or 5 times.

[edkemper]

I'll never forget the cop that gave me a warning in the 70s. I was on Interstate 5 in the CA desert in an RX-7 in the late evening. The officer pulled up next to me and shook his finger at me warning me to slow down. Well, he was actually a couple hundred feet to my side. He was in his plane.

[BoFuller]

That's the beauty of a poor memory, Sonny!

Heck, I can see a movie for the first time 4 or 5 times.

Woo Hoo! I hear that.
I have about ten movies that will pretty much last me the rest of my life. My wife just can't figure it out though. She thinks watching something for the 19th time is too much! When she asks me about watching a "new" movie, I say "why potentially waste your time on something you might not like".

[spiralsands]

A gorgeous young redhead went to her doctor and informed him that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“ That sounds serious,” the doctor said. “Can you show me?”
The redhead pressed on her left shoulder with her finger and cried in pain. She then pushed her elbow with her finger and screamed even louder. She continued to press various parts of her body, crying in agony each time.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” the woman confessed. “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

[Sean Purser]

my favorite all time joke:
There was this fisherman on the local lake that always brought out loads and loads of fish every time he went fishing (we will call him Joe).

It didn't matter what the conditions were - Joe always caught plenty of fish. Everyone was suspicious of Joe and complained to the game warden. So the game warden comes along to check Joe and his catch when he is docking his boat. Well sure enough Joe has lots of fish, but as he should all meet the limit regulations. The game warden get curious, so he asks Joe how he catches so many fish...and Joe tells the game warden that he is welcome to come along tomorrow and go fishing with him and he also assures the game warden we will catch a full limit.

So the next day Joe launches his boat with the game warden ridding shotgun. Joe pulls up into his favorite cove and lights a cigarette and puts a big old tackle box out of the boats storage compartment. The game warden is watching him close as he opens the tackle box and out comes a stick of dynamite. Before the game warden can say a word Joe has lit the fuse with his cigarette and tossed it over board. BOOM – up float the fish. The game warden declares “I’ve got you now Joe” and pulls out his ticket book – that is illegal! Joe grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it and tosses it to the Game warden and declares – “you gonna fish or write me a ticket”.

[Pugsleeplikelog]

Q: What do you find at the bottom of a bass lake?
A: Bass turds.

[Pugsleeplikelog]

Q: Know how to turn a dishwasher into a snow-blower?

A: Give her a shovel!

disclaimer: I love my wife, and respect her role in our family. Just thought the joke was funny. Feel free ladies to take a crack at us guy's, too! : -)

If a man speaks in the middle of the woods and no woman is around to hear him, is he still wrong? :)

[edkemper]

Oh come on, ask a hard question. <smile> I know the answer because I asked my wife.

[spiralsands]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

[loghousenut]

What I’d Say to the Martians
by Jack Handey August 8, 2005

People of Mars, you say we are brutes and savages. But let me tell you one thing: if I could get loose from this cage you have me in, I would tear you guys a new Martian (expletive deleted).You say we are violent and barbaric, but has any one of you come up to my cage and extended his hand? Because, if he did, I would jerk it off and eat it right in front of him. “Mmm, that’s good Martian,” I would say.
You say your civilization is more advanced than ours. But who is really the more “civilized” one? You, standing there watching this cage? Or me, with my pants down, trying to urinate on you? You criticize our Earth religions, saying they have no relevance to the way we actually live. But think about this: if I could get my hands on that god of yours, I would grab his skinny neck and choke him until his big green head exploded.
We are a warlike species, you claim, and you show me films of Earth battles to prove it. But I have seen all the films about twenty times. Get some new films, or, so help me, if I ever get out of here I will empty my laser pistol into everyone I see, even pets.
Speaking of films, I could show you some films, films that portray a different, gentler side of Earth. And while you’re watching the films I’d sort of slip away, because guess what: the projector is actually a thing that shoots out spinning blades! And you fell for it! Well, maybe not now you wouldn’t.
You point to your long tradition of living peacefully with Earth. But you know what I point to? Your stupid heads.
You say there is much your civilization could teach ours. But perhaps there is something that I could teach you—namely, how to scream like a parrot when I put your big Martian head in a vise.
You claim there are other intelligent beings in the galaxy besides earthlings and Martians. Good, then we can attack them together. And after we’re through attacking them we’ll attack you.
I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves. But you have treated me like an intruder. Maybe it is not me who is the intruder but you.
No, not me. You, stupid.
You keep my body imprisoned in this cage. But I am able to transport my mind to a place far away, a happier place, where I use Martian heads for batting practice.
I admit that sometimes I think we are not so different after all. When you see one of your old ones trip and fall down, do you not point and laugh, just as we on Earth do? And I think we can agree that nothing is more admired by the people of Earth and Mars alike than a fine, high-quality cigarette. For fun, we humans like to ski down mountains covered with snow; you like to“milk” bacteria off of scum hills and pack them into your gill slits. Are we so different? Of course we are, and you will be even more different if I ever finish my homemade flamethrower.
You may kill me, either on purpose or by not making sure that all the surfaces in my cage are safe to lick. But you can’t kill an idea. And that idea is: me chasing you with a big wooden mallet.
You say you will release me only if I sign a statement saying that I will not attack you. And I have agreed, the only condition being that I can sign with a long sharp pen. And still you keep me locked up.
True, you have allowed me reading material—not the “human reproduction” magazines I requested but the works of your greatest philosopher, Zandor or Zanax or whatever his name is. I would like to discuss his ideas with him—just me, him, and one of his big, heavy books.
If you will not free me, at least deliver a message to Earth. Send my love to my wife, and also to my girlfriend. And to my children, if I have any anyplace. Ask my wife to please send me a bazooka, which is a flower we have on Earth. If my so-called friend Don asks you where the money I owe him is, please anally probe him. Do that anyway.
If you keep me imprisoned long enough, eventually I will die. Because one thing you Martians do not understand is that we humans cannot live without our freedom. So, if you see me lying lifeless in my cage, come on in, because I’m dead. Really.
Maybe one day we will not be the enemies you make us out to be. Perhaps one day a little Earth child will sit down to play with a little Martian child, or larva, or whatever they are. But, after a while, guess what happens: the little Martian tries to eat the Earth child. But guess what the Earth child has? A gun. You weren’t expecting that, were you? And now the Martian child is running away, as fast as he can. Run, little Martian baby, run!
I would like to thank everyone for coming to my cage tonight to hear my speech. Donations will be gratefully accepted. (No Mars money, please.) ♦

[LogHomeFeverDan]

The other night I got pulled over by a policeman, I was very tired after a long day but I hadn't had a single drop of alcohol. The officer after asking for my ID, insurance etc etc, looked me in the eye and said..."Your eyes look red you been drinking?" So I replied...."Your eyes look glazed you been eating donuts?"

How to catch a bear. This only works in northern climes. Go out on your favorite frozen lake. Cut a circular hole in the ice at least 3 times the circumference of the largest log you'd use to build your log home. Place frozen green peas from your past summer's garden about 7 inches apart along the edge of the ice where the hole is located. When a bear approaches, wait until said bear attempts to take a pea and kick him in the icehole.

[loghousenut]

Only in Northern Climes???... I should say not.

When we was kids we used to catch black bears in late summer, just before the fall rut, in Cut and Shoot, Texas (Just north of Houston). Instead of cutting a hole in lake ice we used to dig a big hole next to a sweet gum tree as big around as a bear and deep enough to keep him quiet. Then you dump in 5" of hardwood ashes. The spacing for the peas is about right but when the bear comes to take one you kick him in the ashhole instead.

Don't even think of doubting me. Tom and Bo will back me up for sure.



As for 3 times the size of my largest log? Well that might be a bit of overkill.

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t55/loghousenut/Our%20Home/The%20ridgepole/P1000696-1.jpg

[LogHomeFeverDan]

LOL Funny LHN, I actually know and have been in Cut N Shoot!

[BoFuller]

Only in Northern Climes???... I should say not.

When we was kids we used to catch black bears in late summer, just before the fall rut, in Cut and Shoot, Texas (Just north of Houston). Instead of cutting a hole in lake ice we used to dig a big hole next to a sweet gum tree as big around as a bear and deep enough to keep him quiet. Then you dump in 5" of hardwood ashes. The spacing for the peas is about right but when the bear comes to take one you kick him in the ashhole instead.

Don't even think of doubting me. Tom and Bo will back me up for sure.



As for 3 times the size of my largest log? Well that might be a bit of overkill.

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t55/loghousenut/Our%20Home/The%20ridgepole/P1000696-1.jpg

Little Bro has been known to stretch things a bit, but this is for reals. It's sort of like slapping the bull. :)

[LogHomeFeverDan]

LOL If that's an legit ridgepole I'm glad I wasn't there to help hoist it in place!!

[loghousenut]

Dan,

You woulda loved being there when we hoisted it. Went up without a hitch. You'lll learn how in class.

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t55/loghousenut/Wow/Rafters9-2010242.jpg

[LogHomeFeverDan]

Egads!!!! So you weren't joking that's your ACTUAL RIDGEPOLE?????????? |||||||||||/////////////:::::::::::::...........Thud.

[Mosseyme]

I think LHN has the champion ridgepole, since Skip anyway. At least if someone has beat Ron they have been kind enough to keep it to themselves. However, we are waiting to see what Ronnies current log mcmansion comes up with.

[Timberwolf]

In the spirit of the cold weather (that SOME of us are having)

There were these three Eskimos in Nunavut, and one time while they were
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and
how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo
was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest
igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and
fell onto the floor.

"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was
colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a
big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third
Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third
Eskimo's igloo.

He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw
back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

:rolleyes:

[loghousenut]

Not bad Fuzzy.

I was at a marketing lunch with a bunch of coworkers once. I came out of the washroom and announced that an Eskimo had been here earlier. Nobody cared but they were curious but I didn't elaborate and simply said that I know about things like this. Over the course of our stay, one by one, the guys made it to the washroom and came back to the table to say that I had been right about the Eskimo. My buddy Allen commented on how tough he must have been.

Someone had completely filled one of the urinals with ice cubes. All the guys played along and, as far as I know, the gals still don't know.

[LogHomeFeverDan]

It's been so cold the other day I saw a male teen with his pants pulled up.

[edkemper]

Now that is funny.

[Steve Wolfe]

And the Gal he was with actually had her belly covered!

[LogHomeFeverDan]

And the Gal he was with actually had her belly covered!

LOL Excellent addendum!

[loghousenut]

Anybody know where asphalt was invented?

[rreidnauer]

It wasn't invented, because it's a natural occuring product (aka: bitumen) but I guess that doesn't help to complete the joke, eh? :rolleyes:

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy using TapaTalk 2

[loghousenut]

There goes the engineer in you Rod. Wrong answer.






I don't know if I want to be business partners with you after all.



Hhahhaha

[John W]

I think it was invented next to the old henweigh factory.

[loghousenut]

Nope.... Sturgis.



At one time it was a gravel road going through town and in front of the biker bars.

[John W]

You know you've got nothing better to do when you're googling 'where was asphalt used first?'

[rawson]

So Mr. As@ Phalt wasn't the inventor?

[loghousenut]

Somehow I feel the crowd must have missed the joke part of the joke. It's a little dig at America's big twin motorcycle from back in the the days when the rascals used to leak oil like they was made of cardboard. Now I know that used Harley oil mixed with a gravel road won't make asphalt but it's fun to pretend that it does if you're a guy riding a nice dependable 750cc Honda that stays dry as a bone. I think I'll stick to my day job... Writing jokes for Henny Youngman.

I wonder if I can edit the original joke to make everyone ELSE look like the idiot instead of me.





Sent from my ZTE V768 using Tapatalk 2

[rreidnauer]

Somehow, having to explain the joke actually makes for entertainment. I know we got lots of riders on the forum, and I bet the HD riders aren't appreciative of stignatism. (though I'm not a fan of HD, so I got a chuckle)

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy using TapaTalk 2

[jrdavis]

LHN --
personally -- I dont' think you you should quit your day job... BUT,
you SHOULD keep trying and then explaining your jokes.
ROFL.
JD

[spiralsands]

OK...enough's enough...we need a REAL joke:

A huge battalion of the English army came to a hill. At the bottom of the hill, there was a deep forest of trees. Just before the king was about to go down into it he heard a voice from the forest. It yelled, " ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

The king was OUTRAGED and he sent two of his best knights down the hill to kill the pests. They disappeared into the tangled woods. The sound of clashing of swords and blood curdling screams rose from the wood then and all went silent.

Again the king heard, " ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

He was now so FURIOUS that he sent twenty of his knights down. There were blood curdling screams of agony and pain...then all was quiet.

Again they heard, " ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!"

The king was know seeing RED and in his fury he sent the remaining of his battalion down to the forest. There were screams and clashing of swords and then all was quiet.

The king waited anxiously. After a bit, one of his knights came limping up the hill. He was tattered and bruised, oozing blood from every pore. His left hand had been chopped off and had been tied off with a dirty rag. In a hoarse weary voice he knelt before the king and said, "My lord they tricked us.....there were TWO of them."

[LogHomeFeverDan]

LOL, never underestimate the fury of the IRISH!

[loghousenut]

Yup... If only the world were run by the furious, we might all be speaking Gaelic.

[rawson]

The Irish might be under control cause the Lord allowed mankind to to distill alcohol to possibly slow the Irish from taking over the World. Quotation from my Grandpa O'Riley RIP.

[panderson03]

definitions of success

......at age 5 - not peeing in your pants
.....at age 12 - having friends
.....at age 16 - having a drivers license
.....at age 20 - having sex
.....at age 35 - having money
.....at age 50 - having money
.....at age 60 - having sex
.....at age 70 - having a drivers license
.....at age 80 - having friends
.....at age 90 - not peeing in your pants

:) not sure where I read this but it SURE made me laugh:)

[loghousenut]

So, let me see if I've got this right. I have money, and I still have sex, and a drivers license, and friends (believe it or not)... Ohhhh.... I guess I'm older than I thought.




But I still have depends!

[panderson03]

sounds like you're doing pretty good, LHN!! :)

[loghousenut]

Pretty good for 90?

[panderson03]

you look GREAT for 90 :)

[jrdavis]

I'm in DEEP trouble......:confused:

[loghousenut]

I'm in DEEP trouble......:confused:

Sorry to hear that JD,

I'm thinking that if you can manage to get a fake drivers license (fairly easy in Virginia), then maybe you could get a job, start saving a little money, make friends at work and have sex with them.

If you end up moving to Virginia for that drivers license, maybe you could look up Ronnie Rcklmbr and hit him up for a job building log homes. He is friendly enough...... Oooops, maybe not.




As for the Depends... I know where to buy them in quantity.

[jrdavis]

I'm not moving BACK to VA....
I'm trying to get to the point that I can have ronnie RckClmber come out here.

I'm not sure i like muffins... it 'depends'.

[Longhare]

Not technically a joke, but I had to share something that popped up on my Twitter feed yesterday...made me think of G'Pa for some reason...

https://twitter.com/haydenmack/status/450788469950779392

[loghousenut]

Wrong you are Longhare... Technically, and in every other way, that is a joke.



And it does kinda remind one of Gramps, don't it?

[rocklock]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’
She replied, ‘A can of peaches.’
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, ‘Then I will give you six days in jail.’
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, ‘What is it?’
The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

[lilpony]

Im new and posted on two threads and the one thread is deleted and my comment on the introduce urself thread is deleted so i guess this isnt the forum for me

[Admin]

Im new and posted on two threads and the one thread is deleted and my comment on the introduce urself thread is deleted so i guess this isnt the forum for me

This joke went over our head ;)

None of your posts have been deleted. Just go to your 'profile' (navigation tab at the top right of your screen), and select 'find latest posts.' You'll see a list of 4 posts.

Sincerely,

~The Mgt

[jrdavis]

that's funny.... :)

[lilpony]

Well i guess the only place i can MAYBE do wat i want is alaska but im not sure i can there. Anyone know if i can buy a piece of wooded land there and build my own cabin with an axe and no worry about seeage codes or electric codes etc. For all they need to know is its my land and im building a fort on it. And i just hang out there. Im tired of living check to check. So can i do this somewhere?

[oldtrapper]

Velll, out in our country derr iss a lot uff Ole and Lena jokes, ya know. Vell vun day Ole and Sven vuss verkingk on Ole's new LHBA house ven Ole noticed dat Sven vass trowing away yest about efery udder nail. Velll, Ole knew diss vas vastefuls, so he asked Sven vhy he dunn diss. Sven told him datt he only used duh nails vitt de head on duh correct end, ya know. And dat vould be about half on dem. Ole got right indignant vitt Sven about duh vaste uff nails, you know, and informed him in short order dat dose nails vurr for duh udder side uf de house.

[panderson03]

hey Trapper. I recognize that accent!! :)

[oldtrapper]

I am not vun bit surprissed since you iss Ander's son. ;-{>8

[ivanshayka]

Lol, oldtapper. Nao, thut vas fany dontcarhuuare.

[spiralsands]

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.


You're welcome and please someone tell Lilpony that this is a joke thread.

[spiralsands]

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The three blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.


You're welcome very much.....

[travman]

State Trooper chases an old guy in a Corvette for miles before he finally pulled over.
"Look", the Trooper said. "It's Friday, the end of my shift. If you can come up with a good enough excuse, I'll let you go with a warning".
The old man said " Two years ago my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back"!

[edkemper]

Now that's funny.

[John W]

Back when I was in the Air Force, leadership wanted to put together an all female KC-135 crew for Women in Aviation Day. The idea was dropped, however, when they realized it would be unmanned flight.

[edkemper]

You never want to show up the military brass. Wink

[spiralsands]

Two Cannibals were eating a clown. One Cannibal Turned to the other
and asked, “Does This taste a bit funny to you?”

Hey, you didn’t have to give me the cold shoulder!”
Said the cannibal who was late for dinner.



Cannibal Husband-I don’t like your Mother.
Cannibal Wife- Try the potatoes.

[loghousenut]

How much does a cannibal used car salesman/woman charge for a nice, clean used car?

[blane]

The cannabel was walking through the woods and passed his brother

[rreidnauer]

How much does a cannibal used car salesman/woman charge for a nice, clean used car?I'm surprised nobody bit at that.

Hmmm, a joke. OK.

Americans elected George W. Bush president . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . twice.

THEN, Americans elected Barack Obama president . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TWICE.

If that's not a joke, I think I'll go jump off a bridge.