Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

[edkemper]

We ought to stay away from politics. Otherwise, Reagan will come out to play.

[travman]

Now, now....

[ivanshayka]

LHN, how much?

[WNYcabinplannin]

C'mon! An arm and a leg... ;)

[loghousenut]

Well it's about time!



Let's eat Uncle Harvey!...

Let's eat, Uncle Harvey!


Sometimes a comma can be a real life saver.

[spiralsands]

Q: What does it sound like when a Pterodactyl goes to the bathroom?


A: Nothing, their P is silent.

[loghousenut]

Q: What does it sound like when a Pterodactyl goes to the bathroom?


A: Nothing, their P is silent.

That's psilly! So you can't hear a pterodactly's P except when they poop?


Now you have me wondering what their pharts smell like.

[Mosseyme]

The Captain over the intercom: Folks I know what you are thinking but I'm here to tell you that landing was not the Airlines fault. It wasn't the planes fault. It wasn't even the pilots fault. It was the asphalt.

[rreidnauer]

Thanks spiralsands. Ya just had to give him potty humor, didn't ya?

[rreidnauer]

Not a joke, but a true story from today that I thought was funny.

Driving to one of my jobs, I entered a highway construction zone which had the cattle chutes set up. There was a 10 foot width restriction, with a detour set up for those with wider loads. Wellllllllll, I guess some dude towing half of a modular home thought that the 10 foot limit must have been a bit conservative, and he was correct for the first couple miles of the construction zone. Unfortunately, he was wrong where three bridges were being reconstructed, and the lanes did choke way down. I didn't actually see this nut make the run, but I did see the aftermath. He made it through the first two choke downs, but not without leaving a bunch of insulation, siding, and other misc home components. He didn't make the third, and apparently firmly wedged it into that choke down. We were stuck there for a while, and I got out to ask the dump truck driver in front of me what he was hearing on the CB, and he confirmed it was a mobile home. We weren't going anywhere for a while so some of the construction crew and some troopers had us all back out to the first exit behind us. (which was about a half mile of backing for me) At least the slow backing gave me time to take in all the scrapes on the Jersey Barriers and the misc building materials stuffed into the bridge guardrails! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v328/titantornado/rofl.gif

I guess I shouldn't laugh though. Unless he was an owner/operator, he pretty much guaranteed a loss of his job, and I'm sure the fines will be steep.

[edkemper]

Sure, you get all the excitement and the smiles left on your face. Sometimes, you just have to laugh. Bet the driver thought he was going to get where he wanted to be in time for dinner. Oh well.

[mario kadu]

about 15 years ago we were on vacation driving on a highway through a series of small towns. As you entered each town there was a large yellow and black triangular sign that said, 'SLOW CHILDREN' my smart-aleck teenage daughter commented, "if I had a slow child, I doubt I'd advertise it to the world!"

[rreidnauer]

Ha! I use to say similar things every time we went by a SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING sign. I just pictured some kid moving in slow motion trying to dribble a basketball or something.

[John W]

Kind of like Tai Chi. It works as long as a mugger attacks you in slow motion.

[loghousenut]

I'm thinking that "slow children" are the only ones who would be stopped by EFO.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6XldR7pCFI


Maybe not technically a joke but still funny.

[spiralsands]

Q: What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?
A: He was eggspelled!

Q: Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?
A: She had to call an eggs-terminator!

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!


You're welcome very much!!

[panderson03]

thanks for the chuckle, spiralsands:)

[blane]

So, last night I was reading a book on antigravity, I couldn't put it down.

[loghousenut]

It'sa nice, light read.... Have you gotten to the part where they explain where the center of antigravity is?


I'll put the answer in the next post so it doesn't spoil it for you.

[loghousenut]

It's between G and A.

[donjuedo]

My co-workers were talking at lunch about various local foods, and the topic of strong cheeses came up. One, a Frenchman, said, "There are no strong cheeses, only weak people." :-)

[Plumb Level]

Are you kitten me right meow?

[spiralsands]

A carpenter was fixing the roof of a church, when he struck his thumb.

"Dammit, I missed!" cries the carpenter.

The minister corrects him, saying, "You shouldn't say such a thing in the church."

The carpenter continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again. "Dammit, I missed!" he yells. The minister again corrects the carpenter.

The carpenter continues with his work without further comment. Again the carpenter strikes his thumb, and again he yells, "Dammit, I missed!"

When the minister corrects him this time, the carpenter asks, "What's going to happen? A bolt of lightening going to strike me dead?"

The minister says, "As a matter of fact, yes it will."

Suddenly a bolt of lightening comes through the roof, and strikes the minister dead. A large booming voice is heard saying, "Dammit, I missed!"

[panderson03]

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking.

The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry pepper spray just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur.
Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell like pepper.

:)

[rreidnauer]

LOL! I was wondering why you posting a hiking warning here.

[panderson03]

it kinda sneaks up on you:) when I first read it, I really WAS laughing out loud!

[loghousenut]

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking.

The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry pepper spray just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur.
Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell like pepper.

:)

I was telling this, as seriously as I could, to a coworker and her husband at the Muffin Store today. Middle of the second sentence Dave (coworkers husband) gets all wide eyed and excited and says "I have this killer joke that will fit right in with this story when you're through!". He was in such a hurry to get to his joke that he was "helping" me through my informative thing, which made the gag seem all the more real to Denise (coworker). When I get to the part about the bear poop, poor Dave is beside himself as he realized that his joke and my story were all the same. He slapped the table (we were in the food court) and screeched out the description of Grizzly poop loud enough that the folks next door at Walmart musta heard it.

Poor Denise was horrified at the entire thing, still not realizing that she was really in the middle of Dave's joke. All she knew was that all those customers were gawking at the crazy man, the fat ole man in the Hawaiian shirt, and that gal who folds clothes all day long.


The Coyote strikes again.

[panderson03]

glad you made good use of it, Mr Nut! :) our Costco loves me. I'm in there a couple times a week!

[donjuedo]

I just recently signed up for a Costco membership. I went in last weekend, bought 3 items, and left feeling like one of those cartoons where someone is held upside down by their ankles until all the money falls out of their pockets.

As you'd expect, it wasn't the (unit) prices, but the quantities. I can't even imagine shopping for the Duggar family.

[Darin]

Have you guys seen the new movie called "Constipation"?

No? That's because it hasn't come out yet . . .

[Darin]

I can't even imagine shopping for the Duggar family.


We're expecting #6 and usually have one or two other people living with us. You get used to the grocery bills and get pretty good at finding ways to cut the costs.

[blane]

6 for us too. You learn how to find the deals and bullets are still cheaper than buying meat.

[loghousenut]

I wanted 6 but the Wife saw Jake and decided to limit on our lineage.

I often wonder why our Great Grandparents thought they could afford a whole household of kids, but today we don't. Money musta grown on trees back then!

[blane]

I often wonder why our Great Grandparents thought they could afford a whole household of kids, but today we don't. Money musta grown on trees back then!
Cheap labour force. :)

[rreidnauer]

Yea, don't open that can o' worms LHN. I can get a might "passionate" with my opinions on that subject.

[loghousenut]

I think life was just a lot easier back then. Back when Kids didn't need all that extra stuff like microwaved meals from the Muffin Store (this'll hurt my 401K for sure), eating out 4 times per week, a new car at 16 years old, and clothes that had never been mended.

Now we have cars that go 300,000 miles, cheap gas (you can debate it but you can't win), cheap clothes ($13 jeans at the Muffin Store), and if you want to eat cheap, all you have to do is cook it. Maybe life is easier now after all.

The old "back when, compared to now" debate can't be won on any front. Stuff is different now. No sense arguing about it. My only point would be that our Grandparents sacrificed to raise 6 of their 7 children. Now we can raise all 7 if we commit to the same sacrifice. It takes sweat and commitment, and it takes doing without to do with. Oh, I don't know if sacrifice is the right word. Maybe it takes just wanting to fill the home and make sure they all get raised up to be productive citizens. why else are we alive?

I know I could afford it, and it seems like the monetary argument comes up a lot. I wish we'd done it (full house) and I know the Boss sometimes wishes we had also. She stayed home and we homeschooled. 4 or 5 more woulda worked out fine. Once they are fed and clothed, the rest is sorta superficial.

My hat is off to you that do raise a whole household. I would say I wonder how you do it but I think I already know. The one thing that has not changed over the decades is love. There will always be enough love if you want there to be.

The worms is out. Passion is expected.

[BoFuller]

My first wife had two toddlers when we married. We had two more. Then my second wife had three when I married her. So I put all seven through private church schools. We never had a new car or a fancy house, but we all had a lot of love. I hate it when I agree with Bro.

[Mrs. Len]

I asked Len how long ago he learned about plumbing. He responded, "learned how?! All you gotta know is crap flows downhill and don't chew your fingernails!"

He just repaired all the plumbing in our free mobile, which includes both bathrooms (sinks, toilets, shower heads, tub faucet...) and our kitchen sink, while occasionally emitting expletives...

[rreidnauer]

Yea plumbing. The one task that, no matter how many parts you have on hand, you WILL be going to the hardware store for what you really need . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . at least twice.

[spiralsands]

Plumbing jokes?

2560

[rreidnauer]

Ha! I remember a sign in my folks RV over the toilet that read, "Don't put anything in here that you haven't eaten first."


Also, those blue towable waste tanks (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31FVGHFQEFL.jpg) that you use for RVs that allow you to haul your black water to the dump station, my dad had "Used Groceries" written across the back of it!

[Mrs. Len]

Yea plumbing. The one task that, no matter how many parts you have on hand, you WILL be going to the hardware store for what you really need . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . at least twice.

How'd you know?! Yep, twice to the hardware store! Happily, everything is done and works great :cool: Love being rained on in the shower!

[panderson03]

I saw an out house sign that said 'even a toilet seat can only deal with one a$$hole at a time'

:)

[rreidnauer]

How'd you know?! Yep, twice to the hardware store! Happily, everything is done and works great :cool: Love being rained on in the shower!
Because that WASN'T a joke.

[spiralsands]

Election day is coming!

2571

[edkemper]

No words have ever been truer.

[loghousenut]

There's them on the right cheek, and them on the left cheek. And then there's me... right down the middle!

[John W]

There's LHN, cracking jokes again.

[loghousenut]

There's LHN, cracking jokes again.

I won't go so far as to say I was being tongue in cheek. I will say I have been known to crack a joke now and then, at my own expense, but only on the pubic side of this forum. I ass ure you that I am nothing butt serious on the member's only side.

I expect you'll see that for yourself someday soon.

[loghousenut]

Darned Tapatalk done it to me again. Sure wish they'd let me edit it.

[rreidnauer]

Nicely played old chap. ;)

[loghousenut]

One of the few things that bugs me at work is propping myself up for a nice lunch nap in the breakroom, getting all settled in for some "Little House on the Prairie" action, and suddenly in walks some knuckledragger who grabs the remote and makes everyone else happy.... ESPN... What's the deal where they get all hyped up about the latest whocaresnonsense like it really matters?

Of all the things I don't fully comprehend in this world (massive subject), what I don't understand the most is why anyone would wanna watch a game that they can't play, and if they could get in the game for a second or two they'd be instantly creampuffed by some marvel of genetochemical engineering. I know it is real to the rest of you, but I'm here to tell you it just ain't real. And sometimes it is GOLF!... Well at least that helps the nap.

Anyway, to get this out of the rant zone and back into the joke zone, I'd like to share this... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eanWnL3FtM




My apologies to the majority of you out there who get all wrapped up in this whole gladiator thing. I'm gonna go youtube a little Wranglerstar.

[rreidnauer]

Please, please, PLEASE tell me that video is just a joke. If it's for real, I'm gonna have to go drink some bleach.

[loghousenut]

I Snoped it and it seems all too real.

[rreidnauer]

http://i.imgur.com/iWKad22b.jpg

[allen84]

"You can tell they're both getting tired because they are throwing rocks. It's easier, less strenuous, it's a pre-formed throw." The commentary is the best. I know a few sports fanatics (not me). My dad was a huge sports fan and an incredible athlete in his day. He was a very intense man and could turn ANYTHING into a competition haha. His competitive nature was what made him successful in everything he did. I wish I had more of it.

Thanks... I needed that. He passed exactly 14 years ago yesterday.

Sorry to get off topic, that wasn't a joke.

[allen84]

"These are the moments when sports legends are made."

[misplayed-hand]

Why is a guitar better than a girlfriend?

Because when you put your guitar in her case and slide her under your bed you always know she'll be there for you when you get home from work. :p

It's ok, nobody at work gets it either.

[misplayed-hand]

I came across a LHN post on dynamite in ivanshayka's thread and couldn't help but share my all time favorite youtube video. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzabmVIU6EQ

[rreidnauer]

Because this is the most fitting place to put this:

WARNING!: If you click the video, don't blame me for the 10 minutes of your life that will be lost.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLdMVI0jIaY

[loghousenut]

It's not one of them viral things, is it?

I don't have Norton on my phone and I'm not too keen on getting I sick.

[loghousenut]

Just to be extra careful, could you tell me if my phone would be safe if I opened that link for just a second real quick like.

[loghousenut]

I checked over on the internet and they said that if there is a backslash in he address that the video might be viral or something. Could you send me the address?

[loghousenut]

Heckfire, I've wasted more than 10 minutes on the thing and haven't even been sneezed on. .. I'm gonna call Bo and tell him it is a video about elks. He always liked elks.

[BoFuller]

Heckfire, I've wasted more than 10 minutes on the thing and haven't even been sneezed on. .. I'm gonna call Bo and tell him it is a video about elks. He always liked elks.

Elks are cool, but I've always been partial to Foresters.

[rreidnauer]

Elks are cool, but I've always been partial to Foresters.
Oh great! So you are one of those dang Subaru drivers who like to pull out in front of me and then putt along 10 under the speed limit. ;-P

[loghousenut]

Don't distract him, Rod... Bo is gonna open that video link and tell us if it is sick or not.

[BoFuller]

Oh great! So you are one of those dang Subaru drivers who like to pull out in front of me and then putt along 10 under the speed limit. ;-P

Actually I do that, but with the Prius. :)

[rreidnauer]

http://i1169.photobucket.com/albums/r519/Liberty_Acres/latest.png

[panderson03]

A man went to his doctor, worried about his wife's temper

The Doctor asks 'What's the problem?"

"Doctor, I don't know what to do" the man explains. "Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. I scares me."

The Doctor replied "I have a cure for that. when it seems that your wife is getting angry, fill a glass with water and start swishing the water around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but do not swallow until your wife either leaves the room or calms down."

2 weeks later the man returned to the Doctor's office looking fresh and reborn.

The man said "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and she calmed right down. How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor replied " the water does nothing. its keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[CrossingtheRubicon]

Two friends were at a restaurant hanging out having a meal together, the one friend spontaneously picked up a glass of water and threw it in the others face.

The friend drenched in water got up furious and asked why they did that?

They apologized over and over and told them how bad it made them feel. They said they get these uncontrollable urges to throw drinks in people's face. They were really embarrassed and felt horrible about it.

The friend drenched in water said I know a psychiatrist that I think can help you and gave their friend the name and number.

Several months passed and the friends met at a party. The one friend came over and asked the other how things were going with the therapist? The other friend said they were cured and felt so much better. They thanked them for the doctors name and number.

About that time a waiter was walking by with a tray of drinks and the friend scooped off two glasses and just as soon as they handed it to their friend they threw the drink in their face again.

Of course the friend was furious and asked them why they would say they are cured.

The friend said I am cured, I still throw drinks in people's faces I just don't feel bad about it anymore.

[Timber]

Ha! I remember a sign in my folks RV over the toilet that read, "Don't put anything in here that you haven't eaten first."


Also, those blue towable waste tanks (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31FVGHFQEFL.jpg) that you use for RVs that allow you to haul your black water to the dump station, my dad had "Used Groceries" written across the back of it!

Actually..the true quote is...when on a fishing boat, "dont flush into ocean what you wont eat" hows that tuna taste now? Your welcome!😆🐟

[loghousenut]

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and
stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which
is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors,
where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[phlnrth]

This is one of the best things I've ever seen...

[dvb]

This is one of the best things I've ever seen...

What is???

[loghousenut]

What is???

LHBA, of course!

[panderson03]

then I agree! LHBA is one of the best things I've ever seen:)

[dvb]

I would agree with that! We live in our paid for house we built with our own hands and are frequently visited by the people who love our house who told us we could not do this while we were working on it.

[allen84]

TRUE STORY...

Me driving a rented box truck from Knoxville to Nashville this afternoon....

My Friend: Oh man!! Look at that bear!! (points to shoulder on opposite side of I-40)

Me: No time to answer. Thinking, "I only see a big piece of tire."

My Friend: "Oh never mind. It's just a tire."


He is notorious for being wrong about what he absolutely knows he is seeing. I'm still laughing. "Look at that bear!" is what I will greet him with from this day forward :D

[loghousenut]

Just before running off to boot camp, my buddy Neil and I commandeered my Mother's Pinto and headed out on a road trip up the Oregon coast. We left just after dark when I got off work and, having seen the Oregon coast, drove all night. Just driving and bonding. Somewhere up near Lincoln City, there was a dead deer laying in the roadway. We were both sober as a rock but kinda sleepy.

I saw the deer. Neil saw the deer. Neil said there was a deer in the road and I said that I saw it. When I hit the deer, it launched that Pinto pretty good. We both looked over at the other one and screeched "THERE WAS A DEER IN THE ROAD!"

No oil leaking and the tires still pointed toward Portland, so we kept at it all night.... Kids!!!?

[allen84]

So the story goes... My good friend that I speak of in my previous post was given the nickname Squirrel by his kindergarten teacher. There was a kid in the class that went by "Moose" and she decided she needed to appoint a "Squirrel". That was nearly 30 years ago and it has stuck with him all that time. He tried to shake it shortly after we graduated high school but I think he has accepted that he is forever Squirrel.

[mudflap]

I post this sign at every place I work:http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160610/1ab5d8d679ad573a3f26d9b19b985bb2.jpg

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

[Arrowman]

I post this sign at every place I work:http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160610/1ab5d8d679ad573a3f26d9b19b985bb2.jpg

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

My dad was in the Army. I remember seeing that in his team room. Very fitting.

[allen84]

TRUE STORY...

Me driving a rented box truck from Knoxville to Nashville this afternoon....

My Friend: Oh man!! Look at that bear!! (points to shoulder on opposite side of I-40)

Me: No time to answer. Thinking, "I only see a big piece of tire."

My Friend: "Oh never mind. It's just a tire."


He is notorious for being wrong about what he absolutely knows he is seeing. I'm still laughing. "Look at that bear!" is what I will greet him with from this day forward :D

Part 2.
I was in Knoxville again over the weekend and saw a bear, took a great pic and sent it to my buddy.


http://i1267.photobucket.com/albums/jj546/wherethere42/Mobile%20Uploads/ABD6401F-8519-4D47-A11E-C40E0F3A1D72.png (http://s1267.photobucket.com/user/wherethere42/media/Mobile%20Uploads/ABD6401F-8519-4D47-A11E-C40E0F3A1D72.png.html)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://i1267.photobucket.com/albums/jj546/wherethere42/Mobile%20Uploads/6C8A7FE4-E44F-43B6-93F0-D243AF54B986.png (http://s1267.photobucket.com/user/wherethere42/media/Mobile%20Uploads/6C8A7FE4-E44F-43B6-93F0-D243AF54B986.png.html)

[rreidnauer]

LOL! You dick. :-)

Sent from my Galaxy Edge+ using Tapatalk

[allen84]

I've earned that title, and others :o

This local fox news story is pretty funny. Mr. Hank used to run the gas station by my house. I haven't seen him in several years but he is always good for a laugh. Glad to see he's still at it.

http://fox17.com/news/local/stinky-situation-in-hendersonville-for-residents-after-pipe-breaks

[rreidnauer]

I wish Hank was my neighbor. He's a piece of work.

Sent from my Galaxy Edge+ using Tapatalk

[panderson03]

A friend of mine has two tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl game. Luxury Box seats plus airfare and hotel, but he didn’t realize when he bought them that it's on the same day as his wedding - so he can’t go.

If you’re interested and want to take his place, it’s at St Peter’s Church in New York city at 5:00 pm. Her name is Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.

[rreidnauer]

LMAO! OK, that is definitely one of the better ones I've heard!

[Chaplain45]

Even my wife says that's funny. LOL!

[panderson03]

tee hee !!

[stevekraut]

Jesus and Mary are in the kitchen preparing dinner and Joseph is in his wood shop. All of a sudden they hear a loud Yelp from the shop. Jesus runs out pokes his head in and says; "you call me dad?" Joseph sheepishly replies; "no son, I hit my thumb."

Sent from my LG-K330 using Tapatalk

[John W]

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.:cool:

Rock---About five years ago, after you posted this, I was riding back from the Mayo Clinic in MN, taking my father home after successful surgery to remove his cancer laden spleen. The mood of the four of us in the car was sky high, and I told this joke in the first person, just slipped it into the conversation, and we all laughed so hard we had tears rolling down our cheeks. All of us. The stress of the past weeks melting away on the drive, relief and joy fueling the laughter. Yes, the cancer returned and he died just this past June, so this will be the first Christmas without any of our parents. But man, that was one heck of a car ride. Thanks.

[rocklock]

Rock---About five years ago, after you posted this, I was riding back from the Mayo Clinic in MN, taking my father home after successful surgery to remove his cancer laden spleen. The mood of the four of us in the car was sky high, and I told this joke in the first person, just slipped it into the conversation, and we all laughed so hard we had tears rolling down our cheeks. All of us. The stress of the past weeks melting away on the drive, relief and joy fueling the laughter. Yes, the cancer returned and he died just this past June, so this will be the first Christmas without any of our parents. But man, that was one heck of a car ride. Thanks.

Very good... and thanks for the reply... Have a Merry Christmas...Mele Kalikimaka!

[allen84]

My 9 year old told this at the family Christmas gathering today. I've never heard it but it got some laughs.

"We have two new funeral homes in our town. They opened for business and people were dying to get in."

NO JOKE: We really do have 2 new funeral homes and at least one of them (the one next to the gas station) is a crematory and you can smell burning body if you pump gas while it's running. I know it costs a little more but save us from your final stench and get buried 6 feet under.

[mudflap]

I play the accordion, so this one always makes me laugh:

With his accordion still in the car, Bill decided to stop at Walmart on his way home from the concert. He parked the car, got out, and walked towards the store. He nearly reached the doors before he realized he left the car unlocked with the accordion inside. He rushed back to the car to lock it, but it was too late-
someone had already put another accordion inside the car.

[loghousenut]

I play the accordion, so this one always makes me laugh:

With his accordion still in the car, Bill decided to stop at Walmart on his way home from the concert. He parked the car, got out, and walked towards the store. He nearly reached the doors before he realized he left the car unlocked with the accordion inside. He rushed back to the car to lock it, but it was too late-
someone had already put another accordion inside the car.

The only way that joke makes any sense is if you substitute the word bagpipe for accordion.

[loghousenut]

Only person I ever knew who could enjoy bagpipe music was my Uncle Harvey.





Harvey'd had the mumps when he was a baby and had been deaf ever since.

[Arrowman]

I enjoy the bagpipes. Don't be a hater, LHN. [emoji56]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[allen84]

Perhaps LHN could be the UniPiper? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnVjkE87FDY

BTW, that is a must watch for Star Wars fans (does that need a trademark beside it?... Spaceballs was better)

[mudflap]

Perhaps LHN could be the UniPiper? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnVjkE87FDY

BTW, that is a must watch for Star Wars fans (does that need a trademark beside it?... Spaceballs was better)

oh my. the infection is worse than I thought....

My ex's grandmother's dying wish was for me to play a hymn on the accordion at her funeral. So, I learned one of her favorites. When my part in the program came up, I got out the accordion and went to the front of the audience. Meanwhile, the funeral director was holding a microphone in front of the accordion with a puzzled look on his face while he tried to decide where the sound came out of it. I said quietly (so as to not disturb the attendees) that a microphone wouldn't be necessary.
The guy was probably hard of hearing because he responded, "where do you want the microphone?"
"I don't need a microphone." I said a little louder.
"But where does the sound come out?" He persisted.
"Everywhere. You can just go stand in the parking lot if you'd like," I finally said.

[loghousenut]

That was better than the joke you started with!

Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk

[mudflap]

That was better than the joke you started with!

Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk
Ha! Thanks! Thinking back, I guess it was! :)

blog: https://loghomejourney.wordpress.com/

[allen84]

Christmas Tip:
Wrap empty boxes for presents and when your child misbehaves or doesn't listen throw one in the fire.

[mudflap]

3450

Funny, right? The stuff you see from kit log home companies.

[rreidnauer]

Oh, those kit home companies are a bunch of cards, aren't they?

[rawson]

Only person I ever knew who could enjoy bagpipe music was my Uncle Harvey.





Harvey'd had the mumps when he was a baby and had been deaf ever since.

Hold on, a warning for those treading on Scotland,
don't get them angry. The pipes are the Scot's battle music to instill fear in the enemy. I also enjoy the pipes sound at my family funerals. I'll take the pipe sound any day VS the accordion. Merry Christmas.

[loghousenut]

With all due respect to any of you whose lineage and heritage are somehow tied to bagpipes and accordions... well, I think I'd almost rather hear someone banging gutter pipes together.

Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk

[loghousenut]

I wouldn't mind it so much if they didn't make that awful noise.

Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk

[allen84]

I happen to be of Scottish descent. I love bagpipes and all kinds of amplified music, you carry the tune and I carry the bucket. I like many types of music. You, my wife and others totally missed out on music appreciation. And I proved I have high frequency hearing loss or that my wife is crazy by whatever she heard that I didn't on the radio today.

[mudflap]

Fine. I'll try to make everyone happy:

https://youtu.be/Z6MPbSwJ7Jg

[loghousenut]

You started it...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wOi04NnQXk

[loghousenut]

There is hope...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27pcCrCoff0

[allen84]

If Mudflap and his squeezebox don't at least make you smile, your life must be miserable. :D

[allen84]

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
“Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Walmart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
In ten seconds the computer prints the following: “1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant – twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always… Thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

[rreidnauer]

LOL! Careful what you wish ask for.

[mudflap]

3490

Makes me laugh every time I see it.

[panderson03]

love it. gonna have to borrow that one, MudFlap!

[ivanshayka]

Yes me too.

[rocklock]

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a bloke who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any
time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading an antigravity book. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

[rocklock]

A Senior Trying To Set A Password



WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.

USER:
cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:
boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER:
1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER:
50fuckingboiledcabbages



WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER:
50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:
50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


USER: ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour AssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use.

[rreidnauer]

Anyone get the sneaky suspicion Rocklock is an Apple fanatic? :-D

[ChainsawGrandpa]

A few minutes ago, G'ma was recalling a traumatic
incident from grade school (WHAT?? Let it go!).

And so...

I decided to see if anyone had posted any images of our class from 1961, featuring mean ol' Mrs. Lapp.

I did a search and didn't find our class

BUT

I did find Mrs. Lapp! She popped-up in a pre-algebra sample test question.

My answer became more, and (even yet!) more involved. I
had G'ma on the floor (she was laughing... this time anyway).

So, here it is, the agony of my childhood coming out
after fifty seven years of suppressed aggression.

https://socratic.org/questions/mrs-lapp-gives-each-of-4-children-1-8-of-a-cake-how-much-of-the-cake-does-she-gi

[ChainsawGrandpa]

You know...

I just went back and read the cynical answer to the test.

...that wasn't funny.

Maybe we were both just venting our suppressed anxiety....

[loghousenut]

All I saw was a really hard question and a bunch of metric fractions for an answer that really didn't answer it. So I got a cake at the Muffin store and invited 4 neighbors over and the Boss pretended she was a crabby old teacher and cut it into 1/8" portions so every neighbor could get their share. It seems to me like there is a whole lot of cake left over, so I think we'll pretend we are having a baby shower or something to get rid of it all.


PS... A 1/8" slice is not a ton of cake to feed a school kid, even if it is a big ole Muffin store cake. I think the basic premise of your joke is flawed.

[allen84]

I saw the same thing as LHN, no answer, just complicated math problems. But I'm good at math and I know the correct answer. She gave the kids half and her fat ass Lapped up the other half.

[misplayed-hand]

Blizzard's blockbuster MMORP World of Warcraft has immortalized one of LHBA's very own in patch 7.3 with:


Feasel the Muffin Thief! http://www.wowhead.com/npc=126864/feasel-the-muffin-thief#objective-of

http://mimage.novarata.net/images/2017/09/23/feasel-the-muffin-thief.jpg


Upon death he has a 94% chance to drop the Carefully Hidden Muffin http://www.wowhead.com/item=152998/carefully-hidden-muffin

Now who do you think was the inspiration for this character?

[loghousenut]

Blizzard's blockbuster MMORP World of Warcraft has immortalized one of LHBA's very own in patch 7.3 with:


Feasel the Muffin Thief! http://www.wowhead.com/npc=126864/feasel-the-muffin-thief#objective-of

http://mimage.novarata.net/images/2017/09/23/feasel-the-muffin-thief.jpg


Upon death he has a 94% chance to drop the Carefully Hidden Muffin http://www.wowhead.com/item=152998/carefully-hidden-muffin

Now who do you think was the inspiration for this character?

https://i.imgur.com/pqYztV1.jpg


I see no resemblance...

[allen84]

So, I can't make this up and there was a fox involved. My dogs just ran off and I was calling them in. I live on a curve and headlights shine in my yard and on my house as people come by at night. A minivan full of teens just hit the brakes and threw it in reverse to see the man, skunk and the fox (I could hear them talking). I have a new three legged pup named La Pew (apparently for good reason). And they must have been playing with the fox I saw in my front yard when the headlights passed! Haha

No joke, true story... But I thought it was funny so I posted here.

[allen84]

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Gallatin courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Tennessee Vols football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[misplayed-hand]

Apparently the following is funny as the locals tell it to me every time I visit my build site:

What's the difference between a good Yankee and a damn Yankee?
A good Yankee comes down, stays awhile, and goes home.
A damn Yankee comes down and stays.

I don't get it either.

[allen84]

Sounds as if maybe you talk funny and they like to see you leave. They'll have a new one for you, if you become a permanent resident. ;)

People around here are funny about "outsiders". Tho, I'm guessing that kind of stuff probably goes on everywhere. Laugh with them, it is a little funny after all.... here's a good one for a comeback the the damn yankee joke, the country boys will get it haha... "everybody likes a little ass, nobody likes a smart ass."

[misplayed-hand]

Mmmm, I may talk funny but my family has owned property in the area since 1914. Largest farm in the area for those who have been around long enough to know. So I don't think I'm the outsider but of course it doesn't really matter what I think.

[allen84]

Well, it's been over a hundred years. When are you moving here for good? Give me a call next time you ride thru Nashville... I won't make fun of how you talk (no promises). I must talk funny too cause most people figure I'm not from here.

[mudflap]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."
So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"
So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on."
She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine."
He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."
So she said: "Exactly. And if you keep acting like that, you never will."

[loghousenut]

Poor Jack.

I could predict the rest of his life from experience, but I WON'T!... Nobody ever warned me.

[misplayed-hand]

With the recent cold snap (and lull in posts) I thought it was time for a public service announcement

http://imgpond.novarata.net/uploads/2017/12/Shermantires_404004.JPG
http://imgpond.novarata.net/uploads/2017/12/shermanguide1_404006.JPG
http://imgpond.novarata.net/uploads/2017/12/Shermanguide2_404007.JPG
http://imgpond.novarata.net/uploads/2017/12/Shermanguide3_404012.JPG
http://imgpond.novarata.net/uploads/2017/12/Shermanguide4_404013.JPG

[allen84]

You so funny misplayed-hand... No joke, southern ice and southern snow is a real thing you could possibly come experience one or three days a year. That thermometer showing 40, 60 and 74 is very accurate... 74 degrees and snow or 60 degrees and ice in the same 12-24 hour period happens... And at 40 degrees, bread and milk may be nearly or completely sold out. A chance of snow or ice (even a good rain) could make or break a new tow truck company around here.

And I believe southern ice can happen at least as far north as northern KY. When I was in elementary school my buddy's dad lived but lost an ear, rolling his work van multiple times after hitting black ice. A tool box that could have killed him during the rollover removed his ear.

[panderson03]

hilarious, Misplayed!!!

[loghousenut]

You so funny misplayed-hand... No joke, . When I was in elementary school my buddy's dad lived but lost an ear, rolling his work van multiple times after hitting black ice. A tool box that could have killed him during the rollover removed his ear.

I wonder what that sounded like.

[allen84]

I wonder what that sounded like.

Like an orchestra jumping of a skyscraper I'm sure. His ears might not have been ringing but at least one side of his head had to be.... maybe not ringing, had to be pounding.

[misplayed-hand]

A little girl asked her father: “Where did the human race come from?”

The father answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

A couple of days later the little girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, ‘Many years ago there were some monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her father and said, ‘Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys?’

The father answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.’

[misplayed-hand]

After a terrible storm, two Yankees from Boston wanted to make some extra money cutting up trees that had fallen. They go to a chainsaw shop and ask about various chainsaws for their new venture. The salesman takes them straight to the top of the line model. “This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” He says.

The two yankee boys purchase the chainsaw, take it home, and begin eagerly working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, they are exhausted and decided to quit. “How can we cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, they ask themselves. “So the next day they start early in the morning and cut all day” Still they are only able to cut 5 cords of wood.

Convinced that they were sold a bad saw they went back to the shop to complain. “This is a bad saw” said the smarter of the two yankees. “The dealer told us it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem and it only cuts 5 cords. The dealer, baffled by the yankees claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, pulls the cord and cranks it up. The two yankees jump back and simultaneously say “What the @@!??$ is that noise?”

[allen84]

DOG FOR SALE :
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Army Security Agency. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.'

[Windwalker]

Donald Trump and Obama ended up in the same barber shop. Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel all day.”

The second barber turned to Trump and said, “How about you sir?” Trump replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”

[allen84]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,
what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, '

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'



THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[misplayed-hand]

http://imgpond.novarata.net/uploads/2018/01/other men.jpg

[allen84]

true story.

I helped my friend move a piece of furniture from his Dad's house today. His Dad told me he thinks his hair is still sticky from when I sprayed the back of his neck with Mt Dew (about 15 years ago). I had to be reminded of what he was talking about. I was employed by him for a week, around the time I turned 18, to help with filming car commercials for a major auto manufacturer. We drove to auto dealerships all over Middle TN to pick up new vehicles and drive them to the film site, then wash them all day. We were on our way somewhere altogether and he decided to tell us about the first time he had sex. "The first time I had sex, I was in college. I was scared to death. I was all by myself." I had a mouthful of mountain dew.

[ChainsawGrandpa]

So why did the Falcon Heavy (Mars project by Elon Musk launch at 15:45 hrs.?



Because all of the engineers are millennials
and they didn't get of of bed until 15:30!




yet another original joke from Chainsaw Grandpa!

[misplayed-hand]

I started working as a landscaper when I was 14 and kept at it until I graduated from college. One day my boss told me to take the little pick-up he drove around in and meet one of our customers at a strip mall. He had loaded the truck with some flowers, topsoil and sod. I was to pick up this woman and drive her to her parents graves and spruce them up. So she hops in the truck, gives me general directions and then starts talking about the caretaker at the cemetery. She says how much she liked him and what a nice man he was but that the cemetery was so large that he didn't have time to take care of her parents' graves the way she liked. She impressed that she really like this guy and didn't want to hurt his feelings so that I should let her do all the talking. Then she said I wouldn't be able to understand him anyway because he had this horrible speech impediment. She explained that it had took her years but over time she had developed the ability to understand him. She harped on these two points the whole way there.

Finally we get there and I've got my head down, hustling to get this "plumb job" over with as soon as possible when she says: " Here he comes. See I told you he'd come around because he knows me. Remember let me do all the talking."

So he pulls up and gets out, comes over with a big grin on his face and says: "Hi! How y'all doing?" My head popped up and I shot her a look but never said a word. She was right about one thing, he seemed like a nice guy alright but the only speech impediment I could detect came from being born below the Mason Dixon line. A point which the Princess denied the whole way back to her car.

[rreidnauer]

Ha! I thought for sure you were going to say he speaks Spanish, but this was even funnier!

(I admit, there have been a few conversations with Southerners that I could barely understand)

Sent from my SM-G928G using Tapatalk

[rocklock]

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

QUESTION 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant,who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

QUESTION 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

CANDIDATE A: Associates with crooked politicians,and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.


CANDIDATE B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.


CANDIDATE C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no looking, then scroll down for the answer.
























CANDIDATE A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

CANDIDATE B is Winston Churchill

CANDIDATE C is Adolph Hitler



And by the way - Answer to the abortion question if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a person think.

Remember - amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

[allen84]

So, another true story. I can't make this stuff up...
I spoke with a friend on the phone earlier today. They recently got back from a trip to Florida. He said one morning while he was there he went to a donut shop to for, you guessed it, Donuts. He ordered "half a dozen donuts." Girl behind the counter taking the order replied, "You can order 6 or 12."

[rreidnauer]

So, another true story. I can't make this stuff up...
I spoke with a friend on the phone earlier today. They recently got back from a trip to Florida. He said one morning while he was there he went to a donut shop to for, you guessed it, Donuts. He ordered "half a dozen donuts." Girl behind the counter taking the order replied, "You can order 6 or 12."What exactly is taught in the course of 12 years of schooling these days?

Sent from my SM-G928G using Tapatalk

[allen84]

What exactly is taught in the course of 12 years of schooling these days?

Sent from my SM-G928G using Tapatalk

Right? Maybe she was absent for that lesson. I told my buddy he should have made it a learning moment and taught her about a baker's dozen too. Seems like the knowledge of 1/2 dozen and a whole dozen might should have been an interview question for a donut shop job.

[misplayed-hand]

I'm always surprised when a cashier counts you change back from the sales price to the amount you tendered. Most are clueless unless they can see a number on the computer screen.

[allen84]

I'm always surprised when a cashier counts you change back from the sales price to the amount you tendered. Most are clueless unless they can see a number on the computer screen.

I recently tried to hand a cashier an extra dollar, after he already plugged it into the computer, so he could give me back a $5 instead of 4 ones. By the look on his face he was mind blown. I said "nevermind, I'm just gonna spend it all somewhere anyways."

[rreidnauer]

Reminds me of a retail job I had when I was 16 or 17. Old style register with a bunch of buttons you'd press before hitting the register lever. It was electrified, so you didn't have to turn a crank. (though, you could if so desired!) You had to enter tax manually too, and it would not register change to give back. You had to know how to figure out change, and counting up was the norm. They had an electronic register too, but I avoided it like the plague. In the 80's, those electronic registers were temperamental as heck, and if you didn't enter everything just so, it would have a fit.

Yeah, today, everything is brainless tasks, until you throw a wrench into the works, like you did that extra dollar. That is what annoys me about going to an auto parts place these days too. If the computer can't spit back a result for what you are looking for, the guy at the counter is utterly useless. Sure do miss old wisdom.

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[allen84]

Those auto parts people probably think I'm crazy... Sometimes, when you're working on Frankenstein, you just have to go in the back and visually pick out the item you need!! LOL And they don't much like letting the customer behind the counter.

[mudflap]

Those auto parts people probably think I'm crazy... Sometimes, when you're working on Frankenstein, you just have to go in the back and visually pick out the item you need!! LOL And they don't much like letting the customer behind the counter.

I just tell them "Ellery sent me down here to look". He's my mechanic friend. Anytime I drop that name, everybody knows him and they let me get whatever part I need. I even got my landcruiser's head resurfaced at a racing shop that literally only works on drag-car engines. cost me $50 with his name. Having a mechanic as a friend is priceless. He's a cranky banjo player on top of it all. ....'course, I'm an accordion player, so I guess we're even. We're both going to play at the ladies medieval themed church night in a week or so- we have to come up with an hour's worth of "renaissance music"- me on the ukulele, him on the guitar. Hope it works out....If not- well, this is the joke thread, so I'll let y'all know....

[mudflap]

What exactly is taught in the course of 12 years of schooling these days?

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Not much that's good. As a math teacher- I had to "unteach" about 9 years of fractions and common core taught wrong by elementary school teachers. so frustrating. I brought in a bunch of change (this was an algebra class), and we played customer and cashier one day. taught them how to count back change correctly without a calculator. crazy what they don't know these days. On the other hand, that also means the new generation won't be coming for our jobs any time soon, now don't it?

[loghousenut]

That next post is really exciting. This one was a duplicate post, and therefore deserves your ignorance.

[loghousenut]

OK, enough of the holyerthanthou stuff about counting change. I was just as dumb as any of them when I went to work at the filling station at 17. I learned how to count change the same way those guys on the Omaha Beach learned how to run through sand... I had to. It was expected back then and it was a skill that everyone had to learn. I didn't learn to type.

Years later when I was cashiering at the Muffin store, I always counted back the customer's change. Once in awhile an old frat would comment on how nobody does that anymore, but mostly the folks just waited patiently for me to give them their money and stuffed it away without worrying too much about it. As I got better at cashiering I started challenging myself to improve my speed. I darned sure wasn't going to shut my trap and concentrate like a zombie, just for the sake of a few seconds per customer... these folks drove miles to get here just to see me.... I am their favorite cashier.

So I stopped being the only cashier in the place who counted back the change. The machine knew exactly what I should be doing so it told me exactly how much to give them. They were looking right at the little screen and they saw what the machine said to do. That meant that $32.40 cents turned into $20,$10,$2 fanned out for everyone to see, and a pile of change that nobody cared about. Three seconds per customer times 42 customers per hour equals... however many seconds per hour the machine says it is. It was free time that made me a better cashier and that's what the boss wanted. EVERYBODY IS HAPPY!

That said, I will admit that I would occasionally get flustered by that "Here's two dollars to make it an even twelve" thing. They didn't say it that way, but sometimes that's how I'd hear it. I can totally understand how some punk green kid could get thrown for a loop trying to figure it out... But then again, have you ever tried to have a conversation with two of them at once? they speak perfect english with a bit of a foreign language tossed in and they roll their eyes when we normal folks can't figure it out.

All in all I think I have to just think back at how ignorant and inexperienced I was at that age and then think how my Grandad musta thought about me. Maybe that's why he liked working alone when I was around. Give 'em a break.

[allen84]

I've posted this here before... But while we're on the subject, here's a throwback to my favorite cashier Mr. Hank. This is classic Mr. Hank. The man has jokes for days. Often he would announce your total in hundreds, $5.27... FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLARS!! Watch til the end.
http://fox17.com/news/local/stinky-situation-in-hendersonville-for-residents-after-pipe-breaks

[jrdavis]

<<cut>> He's a cranky banjo player on top of it all. ....'course, I'm an accordion player, so I guess we're even. We're both going to play at the ladies medieval themed church night in a week or so- we have to come up with an hour's worth of "renaissance music"- me on the ukulele, him on the guitar. Hope it works out....If not- well, this is the joke thread, so I'll let y'all know....

Okay -- that just sounded LIKE the beginnings of a joke...
banjo, ukulele..... hope it works out...

sorry. It SOUNDED funny in my head.

[allen84]

Grandma is eighty-nine years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[loghousenut]

Great story. I am sure it is true. John McCain would be proud... Look it up, Bo.

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[BoFuller]

Love it.

Don’t ruin it by mentioning John McCain. That traitor needs to go.


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[BoFuller]

If I ever see old McCain, I’ll give him the Hawaiian good luck sign.


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[misplayed-hand]

Geez and here I thought you Navy guys stuck together...

[loghousenut]

Here we go... you called a Marine a Squid.

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[BoFuller]

Until they become a traitor


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[rreidnauer]

If I ever see old McCain, I’ll give him the Hawaiian good luck sign.


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[jrdavis]

Here we go... you called a Marine a Squid.

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Sometimes its accepted -- We just tell them the Marines are from the Mens Department.

[loghousenut]

Really?...

https://goo.gl/images/0Dr1Jy

[misplayed-hand]

http://imgpond.novarata.net/uploads/2018/04/Marines_admit_temp_383610.JPG

[rocklock]

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

[BoFuller]

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

I love it. LOL


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[allen84]

A guy goes into the Guelph, Ontario, Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." "The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."

[rreidnauer]

LOL :-D .

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[allen84]

Unfortunately, there was a shooting at Nashville's largest mall today... But this was the best eyewitness interview of the day. One person was shot and killed in a confrontation between 2 people. News hyped it up to be something way bigger than what it was but this guy kept it real AND he almost got a tan... I hope he has record sales at his kiosk tomorrow. Heck, I might go buy something from him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_6iPPaIVb8

[allen84]

This is pretty good too... It's about our complicated English language... And maybe more humorous than an eyewitness report of a shooting but I'll leave that up to you...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiLnnuiCzuo

[allen84]

A Husband takes his wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says : "See that guy?
51 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says : "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!


This is funny but slightly unrealistic I think. I just turned 34... It's been at least 34 years and a couple months since I could do a back flip.

[allen84]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

[misplayed-hand]

It has been said that to be funny, a joke must contain a grain of truth. Last week at the barbershop I got a good laugh all around with this one:

The joke:
My girlfriend asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I rolled my eyes, looked around and whispered: "The gubermint is listening".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Alexa laughed.
I shot Alexa.

Funny right?

The Grain of Truth
"A Portland family contacted Amazon to investigate after they say a private conversation in their home was recorded by Amazon's Alexa -- the voice-controlled smart speaker -- and that the recorded audio was sent to the phone of a random person in Seattle, who was in the family’s contact list."
https://www.kiro7.com/www.kiro7.com/news/local/woman-says-her-amazon-device-recorded-private-conversation-sent-it-out-to-random-contact/755507974

Still think its funny? o.O

[mudflap]

well, "Seattle"...., right?

But yeah. They've already subpeona'd recordings from these things and used them in court. Why you would ever have one of those in your house is beyond me. We banned the kids from playing that 'pokemon go (https://www.ryanmercer.com/ryansthoughts/2016/7/11/pokmon-go-funded-by-the-cia)' game anywhere near the house. They roll their eyes when we want to protect our privacy- "why do you care- you got something to hide?" But I respond, "why is it any of their business- why do they want to know?" I always end with , "vault 7, kids- google it".

My mechanic says all new cars after about 2001 probably have tracking devices built in. I said how do you know? he said, how do you know they don't? He's ASE certified in 8 areas, so I doubt anybody knows more about cars around here....

[rreidnauer]

That was the very first thing I thought of when those things came out. Why would one want a corporate entity listening in on every word spoken in the privacy of one's home? With all the cries of privacy invasion, people sure have no problem tossing away their privacy. He'll, cell phones are risky enough for potential wiretapping/eavesdropping.

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[mudflap]

I know it's the joke thread (but this country is turning into a joke)- I read an article related to the vault 7 issue- every iphone ever made was intercepted by the NSA at the post office and loaded with spyware. They then re-packaged them (I think apple provided the new packaging), and sent them on their way. Yes, I said "every iphone". This was documented. I bet the same goes for Android. There's also a list of non-hackable phones (mostly old Nokia's- it's basically any non-smart phone).

[Kola]

Well dang-gummit !!!! I just got me one a dem' celly-phones. You tellin me Trumps boyz are listenin in on me ??? I best tell the little misses cuz she makes a hellavua racket when we be doing the funky-monkey at night. This ain't good. Nope.

[loghousenut]

Well dang-gummit !!!! I just got me one a dem' celly-phones. You tellin me Trumps boyz are listenin in on me ??? I best tell the little misses cuz she makes a hellavua racket when we be doing the funky-monkey at night. This ain't good. Nope.If they are listening to anybody, I'd think it would be you.... And the MISSES???!!!

Who knew there was a MISSES???!!!

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[Kola]

Yeah, ever since I rented the movie "V for Vendetta" there are guys in blacks suits sneaking around here. Bastages ! :)

And Yeah, I finally found a gal crazy enough to like me. People say we are kinda like Chip and Joanna Gaines. She's pretty and smart and I'm just a crazy fearless fool who can make stuff. Since I haven't had TV in over 20 years (never heard of their show), we watched the old episodes. I also read their book (OK, my ladyfriend read it to me), but it's quite good and they seem like good people and a good match. Two opposites.

I'm 60 this month, two more years and I'm gonna take back the money they stole for me (called Social Security) Maybe it's time to settle down and have some kids... lol. seriously. Might even adopt. :)

I be running my own home remodeling business and kicking butt. CO has a hot real estate market and newcomers from Cali and Texas have cash in hand. Yo.

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, Yo bro,'One minute I'm on the phone.'" Face ? priceless.

[loghousenut]

My Brother is a Cop.... seems normal for me to be on the phone when He wants to chat.

[Kola]

LHN, every cop I see nowadays is on their phones ! while working ! Thats ok though, lol.


Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

[allen84]

I had an old stoner friend that got fired for this... Customer: "Are you high?" Him: "Did you just say 'Do you want to get high?'??"

He was higher than giraffe reproductive parts.

[misplayed-hand]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=198&v=8gxdjH3QjNU

[mudflap]

https://westernrifleshooters.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/bq-5bf7ea12eb611.jpeg

Black Friday Deals at Hazard Fraught Tools. Chainsaw is the best.

[rreidnauer]

Be great if somehow, that got slipped into their flyers.

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[panderson03]

ha ha ha!!!

[mudflap]

I'm actually wondering if the manual chainsaw idea could be effective.....

[loghousenut]

To all you poor souls who have no access to the "Members Only" side of this forum, I'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas. I think I'll wish all the rest of us a Merry Christmas also. That reminds me of a question that always sounded like a joke when my Dad used to ask it.

Why do Polar Bears never eat Penguins?

[Shark]

I had to Google that...

[allen84]

Last week a guy at work told me he couldn't grow a beard because of his native American blood... He said he's tried but it was apache here and apache there.

[misplayed-hand]

In keeping with the poster above


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkwlR6EnOps

[allen84]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181229/4f34329ff20e4dd35e29e8ec4f711670.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[loghousenut]

I see that Santa left a pet Sea Otter under your tree.

[rawson]

Crap. Gotta be classified TMI. Butt first; Is there a barf bag attachment? Was a bidet plumbed in for this or did it get booted?

[misplayed-hand]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnCboICPrVQ&list=PLn5AqmpD90Wzb23qeUIJ65VSxis9qhSF7&index=2

[mudflap]

https://i.postimg.cc/bYxVZYtR/67309770-1304750202982155-2428884794222837760-n.jpg

pretty much.

[loghousenut]

That roofer must have a telehandler. See how small his arms are?

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[mudflap]

Thug life. alternate title: why I need to leave my neighborhood.


https://youtu.be/qf4VMZiGfso

probably contains bad language, but don't worry- if you're not from the hood, you probably can't understand it anyway.

[mudflap]

https://diasp.org/uploads/images/9fd38c5b31312281ebbe.jpg

[rreidnauer]

I must have missed the memo.

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[loghousenut]

Well Folks... This is no joke but I hope you will think it's not not funny and read it anyway.

A little backstory. I am at that age where my Doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy every time the property tax bill is due. I have passed with flying colors each time so far, so I compromise with him and I let him have his way with me about every 5 years or so.

Here it is, 1:33am and I am drinking down the last of that glorious liquid that will scour put my guts clean enough to use as sausage casings. If you haven't gone through it, imagine mixing a fifth of Bourbon with a big jar of pickle juice and stirring in a cupanahalf of kosher salt and 15 bullion cubes... beef... with the foil on.

Then drink it. Then drink a half gallon of water to push it all down.

For those of you who don't know me, I had bariatric surgery 3 years ago. A dedicated team of skilled surgeons sliced off most of my gloriously stretchy stomach and tossed it in the stainless steel bucket where it can no longer assist me in the chore of eating myself into a stupor. Now, what is left of my stomach acts like a 5" chunk of old garden hose. Do they really think I can drink all that down for supper and then again at midnight?

Well it is now 2:00am and the liquid is shooting right on through like it was the express train passing through Cozad, Nebraska on its way to Denver carrying mail from New York. I have little desire to risk going back to bed when it is so warm and comfy here where I sit.

But none of that has anything to do with why I posted this in the Joke Thread instead of the Plumbing Thread over on the member's side of the forum.

Some 15 years ago I was marking reciepts at the exit door of the Muffin store where I worked. It was slow so I chatted up the well dressed couple who were my victims at the moment. I knew I knew them so I asked them who they were. Come to find out he is the Doctor who did my colonoscopy. His Wife said that she was his assisting nurse and they both apologized for not recognizing me. Of course I unbuckled my belt as I turned around and pretended that I was going to drop my pants. If you are on my side of The Rockies you probably heard her shriek.

Well from then on, they always recognized me.

But none of that has anything to do with why I posted this in the Joke Thread instead of the Plumbing Thread.

At 9:30am I will be sparsely dressed in girlish attire and they will ask me to lay on my side on the slab in the room where they put me under and sodomized me with a 5' long enema-like thing. Taped to my hind end will be a $5 bill and a note, written in Sharpie pen that says "EXTRA LUBE PLEASE".

Yup, They will remember me.

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[donjuedo]

Laughing out loud, here! Oh, I never saw that, uh, ending coming. Maybe you've started a trend, too.

[misplayed-hand]

Great story LHN! I bet if you printed it out, stuck it on a jar and put the jar on the muffin store counter you would soon have enough donations to buy a tattoo so your wife wouldn't have to write your request out with a sharpie twice a year. Just a thought...

[loghousenut]

Well, it worked.

Before...

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191112/724ebf3d57aaaa1d176155e175b446bf.jpg

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[loghousenut]

After...https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191112/0146c0ad3d62275f70ac8562c095e7f8.jpg

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[loghousenut]

Those health care professionals are a lot of fun.

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[BoFuller]

Bro, TMI.







You’re hopeless, Bro.








But I still won’t disown you, no matter how hard you try.




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[rreidnauer]

Welp, let's see how many pints of whiskey it'll take to get me to forget I saw this.

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[BoFuller]

Welp, let's see how many pints of whiskey it'll take to get me to forget I saw this.

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Exactly.





Are there no standards on this forum?


:)


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[loghousenut]

I disagree. This forum has very high standards.

It is the parameters that you should be worried about.

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[allen84]

LHN,
You're going about this all wrong. They supposed to pay you fo dat azz.

[loghousenut]

LHN,
You're going about this all wrong. They supposed to pay you fo dat azz.

Once they saw it, there was no convincing them of that.

[rawson]

Once they saw it, there was no convincing them of that.

Your one tough cookie cause if it was me I dunno if I'd be able to survive what you have been through to present day. Having had 2 groin hernia surgeries left and right the pain and recovery sucked but one thing about the second one is the mind knows what to expect (plus one knee surgery) . So it seems your tuned into the pain and recovery, hope they lubed everything up to your expectations if not maybe you'll get a refund. Here's to your recovery and hopes to live long and prosper!

[loghousenut]

Your one tough cookie cause if it was me I dunno if I'd be able to survive what you have been through to present day. Having had 2 groin hernia surgeries left and right the pain and recovery sucked but one thing about the second one is the mind knows what to expect (plus one knee surgery) . So it seems your tuned into the pain and recovery, hope they lubed everything up to your expectations if not maybe you'll get a refund. Here's to your recovery and hopes to live long and prosper!Rawson, I don't think you understand. This was just a Doctor running a skinny little camera up my greasy hind end, looking for stray cancer and finding none. Nothing but good news and a nice nap.

My life is just as easy, and with the same easy prognosis, as it ever was.

Yes, I am one tough cookie, but I could do a colonoscopy any ole time, even if I was a lilly livered City Boy from Berkeley.you hit

I am a believer in knowing the truth and knowing it early. When you hit the big 50, let the Doctor look at your guys from the inside. If it is bad news, it is not as bad as if you'd waited til you were 60.

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[rawson]

Truly I will never understand superior minds. I got all queasy,squirmy and spine chilled reading the descriptive previous post of the extraction of innards deposited in a stainless steel pan. Figure you opted for the spinal anesthesia to get in on the action. I was offered the spinal on my second hernia gut replacement but after watching my wife having 2 of those to deliver 2 healthy children I opted out to be knocked out then sliced and diced or never wake up. Never had my behind scoped and don't plan on it either. Live long and prosper LHN.

[Mosseyme]

Ok guys and gals, this is my line of work. Really come on. Listen to the nut. The worst part of this is the nasty stuff you have to drink and missing a couple of meals. Once they get that little ole needle in your arm and you get to take a little nap that makes you feel like you made up for the potty time last night, its all a piece of cake.
Seriously, I'm an alternative medicine kind of person when you can, but this one thing is a life saver for untold number of people.
All the stuff we have created on this planet has put us inhabatants at risk for tiny things that turn into big thing and make you die in a way you never planned to. It is such a minor procedure and if you catch that little thing when it is still a wannabe it saves your family a lot of expense and heartaches. Have you checked out the price of funerals lately? So come on guys and gals, let the doc take a peek.

[loghousenut]

Guys and Gals... Thanks, Mossey.

[BoFuller]

Good on you Sis.

Listen to her everybody. I got one and I’m the guy that was afraid of a neti pot.
I got one at 54 (clean), 64 ( a couple small polyps), and 69 (clean).
It’s a piece of cake and can save your life.



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[BoFuller]

Seriously, this shouldn’t be under “Joke thread”. It’s not a joke.


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[Mosseyme]

Absolutely not a joke but nut started it to get people's attention in a funny way. It is a potentially humorous subject as long as in the end it is taken seriously.
If you have seen a healthy 50+ yo come in for his/her check and go away without the polyp they came in with and a return in five years instructions. No biggy. Then there is the 60/65 yo that finally were pushed by the spouse to come in under, I don't have any problems/ I'm not broke don't need fixed kinda mindset then have to stand outside the door and try to compose yourself knowing they were just told next stop surgery and if your lucky you get a bag for the rest of your life and if not radiation,cemo,surgery and make rotting and falling out you back side from now until you die. Just try to hold you self together and walk in that room. Sorry folks, I know tmi but this is truly no joke and such a simple fix when caught early.

[loghousenut]

Absolutely not a joke but nut started it to get people's attention in a funny way. It is a potentially humorous subject as long as in the end it is taken seriously.
If you have seen a healthy 50+ yo come in for his/her check and go away without the polyp they came in with and a return in five years instructions. No biggy. Then there is the 60/65 yo that finally were pushed by the spouse to come in under, I don't have any problems/ I'm not broke don't need fixed kinda mindset then have to stand outside the door and try to compose yourself knowing they were just told next stop surgery and if your lucky you get a bag for the rest of your life and if not radiation,cemo,surgery and make rotting and falling out you back side from now until you die. Just try to hold you self together and walk in that room. Sorry folks, I know tmi but this is truly no joke and such a simple fix when caught early.Well, this one post has already made a difference. When I read it to Patty, she asked me to write a note and put it on the bar to remind her to call for the appointment on Monday.

It will be her first one. Thank you.

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[Mosseyme]

Glad to help! The only reason I would say all that on a joke thread is in hope that someone would be inspired to love themselves enough.

[rawson]

I might consider submitting a deuce sample that can be analyzed to a 92 plus percent detection for colon cancer vs the scope method. For now there is no history of colon problems in my linage so I'll play the odds. Just wonder what to say when the deuce sample gets sent off if the question is asked are there any hazardous materials in this shipment guess I'll just shrug it and say dunno yet bets the s__t out of me.

[loghousenut]

I like the idea of having the Dr snip off those precancerous polyps before they would show up on the test... and I really enjoy the nap.

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[allen84]

I like the idea of having the Dr snip off those precancerous polyps before they would show up on the test... and I really enjoy the nap.

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I don't act appropriately after a doctor induced nap. LOL! "He's bad."

[mudflap]

It says "don't worry I hugged it first". Lol. https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191205/cb3a6ab6f046945897ee1a5bfb2e5891.jpg

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[loghousenut]

Good looking load of pine. Too short for what we need but obviously it is going to a good home.

In the year that I drove log truck (back about 28 years ago) I had one of the prettiest 3 log loads that you can imagine. When the loader tossed that top log on, it looked like something that was common when I was a kid and extinct in the modern era. It screamed perfection and art.

As I hauled the load to town I was getting the thumbs up from all those log other truckers and when I hit the freeway there were folks in cars taking photos of me... but this all happened in southern Oregon where everybody has a Dad or a Grandad in the business.

It has all changed.


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[mudflap]

That's too bad. musta been quite a site. durn "progress"!

Might sound kinda silly, but I prayed over each tree I cut down, thanking the Creator for them, and thanking the tree for being useful. so I guess I am a treehugger. :)

[Shark]

. It is a potentially humorous subject as long as in the end it is taken seriously.


Don't you mean seriously taken in the end?
;)
There's the joke lol

[loghousenut]

Is it a thread hijack if it 100% true but funnier than fiction? You be the judge.

Yesterday I bought one of those cargo carriers that fits in the hitch receiver on the back of a Jeep or minivan on vacation. It's for our cute little Toyota motorhome. Found it on Craigslist for $25 from a nice sounding lady named Stephanie. She named the little bar/deli where she worked and said just stop in anytime between 9am and 6pm.

Well I walked in the front door and asked the first official looking lady which one was Stephanie. She pointed her out as the leader of the 3 lady crew way back behind the bar. I sat at the bar and pulled $25 out of my wallet as one of the other ladies tried to serve me. Holding the $25 up I said I had business with Stephanie.

She shouted "Stephanie, he's yours".

Stephanie figured it out and and shouted "Let's go out to the alley. Where's your car?".

The two guys right beside me knew how funny this was all turning out so I elbowed the close one and loudly proclaimed that "This must happen a lot around here".

Poor beet red Stephanie got to acting like Gramaw when she burped in the middle of the sermon, and before the minute was up everyone in the place knew every detail of the transaction including color, texture, original cost, and how much she was selling it for. All I could do was agree but it made it no less funny.


There is no way to reliably set up these scenarios. You just have to live a clean life and pray that God drops them on you when you are thinking clearly enough to take full advantage.

[rreidnauer]

[emoji1787][emoji1][emoji1787][emoji1] Always fun when things unexpectedly unfold like that!!

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[donjuedo]

She won't forget you, 'Nut. LOL!

[loghousenut]

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

[misplayed-hand]

I laughed a couple of times. Hopefully you will too.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=317&v=tEtBoH-dOv4&feature=emb_logo

[mudflap]

https://memeguy.com/photos/images/found-this-at-a-mechanic-repair-shop-320150.jpg

there it is. LHBA motto.

[rreidnauer]

Universally true.

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[mudflap]

https://i.postimg.cc/J4qM4HW7/122033110-10218655177513816-1359507392054947663-o.jpg
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[rreidnauer]

I use that last tool regularly!
So much so, that the neighbor has stopped asking if I'm OK when I proceed with playing out the requirements of using aforementioned tool. [emoji28]

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