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Thread: Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

  1. #91

    BMW

    Rod that was so funny! I actually know 2 people with BMW's:)

    Frances, LOOOOOVVVEED your jokes:) we girls need to stick together:)

  2. #92
    LHBA Member rocklock's Avatar
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    You have 2 cows.

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbor.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows.
    None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive.













  3. #93
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    quotes

    Not really jokes here. Just a couple of John Adams quotes that come to mind after reading about two cows.

    Democracy... while it lasts is more bloody than either aristocracy or monarchy. Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There is never a democracy that did not commit suicide. -John Adams

    While all other sciences have advanced, that of government is at a standstill - little better understood, little better practiced now than three or four thousand years ago. -John Adams

  4. #94
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    xmas jokes

    So to keep this thread on topic here is a list of the 15 reasons to suspect Santa Claus is actually a woman.

    I should be awarded bonus points on this one because it's both timely (Xmas related) and sexist (to both men/women which is keeping with the recent flavor of the thread).

    ?15. Santa *remembers* it?s Christmas. ?Nuf said.
    ?14. Reads children?s letters in office instead of in bathroom.
    ?13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your
    stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that?s the problem!
    ?12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, ?Regis
    and Santa Lee.?
    ?11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still*
    insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
    ?10. ?Mrs. Claus? wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a ?68 El
    Camino.
    ?9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
    ?8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
    ?7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It?s water retention.
    ?6. Constantly whining about equality until it?s time to clean out the
    reindeer stalls.
    ?5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like
    that!
    ?4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
    ?3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
    ?2. The North Pole Blockbuster?s been out of ?The Horse Whisperer? for
    weeks.
    ?1. With the way they build chimneys these days you?d *have* to be Calista
    friggin? Flockhart just to get in!

  5. #95
    LHBA Member Timberwolf's Avatar
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    Merry Christmas!

    Or whatever other vaguely religous, equally stressfull, gift giving holiday you might observe.

    ;-)

  6. #96

    Merry Christmas from Texas

    Not snowing here, but 23 and wind blowing, that's cold for us! Wishing everyone a healthy and happy holiday!

  7. #97

    Think Whoville

    IT CAME!
    Somehow or other, it came just the same!
    And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
    Stood puzzling and puzzling: ?How could it be so??
    ?It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!?
    ?It came without packages, boxes or bags!?
    And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
    Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn?t before!
    ?Maybe Christmas,? he thought, ?doesn?t come from a store.?
    ?Maybe Christmas?perhaps?means a little bit more!?


    Enjoy your Holidays!
    Peace

  8. #98

    Merry Christmas from MN

    Good morning everyone and Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Hanukkah to everyone!

    we had 8 inches of new snow on Christmas eve and woke up to another 5 inches this morning; supposed to get another few inches at least before its all said and done. truely a white Christmas! propably need to rethink the snow load on the cabin.....

    May the peace of the Season keep you warm on the coldest winter nights!

  9. #99
    LHBA Member rreidnauer's Avatar
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    Happy Festivus!


  10. #100

    Merry Christmas from Phoenix!

    We had heavy frost this morning - the grass almost looked snow covered :)
    With siblings in SD, WI & UT - have been watching the weather channel a lot. It is beautiful - but dangerous.
    Everyone be careful & safe............
    Wishing you all a warm, wonderful day - full of family, friends, love & laughter!

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