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Thread: Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

  1. #1
    LHBA Member spiralsands's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    Central New York

    Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

    A bloke's wife goes missing while swimming off the New England coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her..

    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Deputy.

    The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

    "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

    The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the rocks. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

    The Sarge says, "Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

    "Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"


    [ADMIN NOTE: Please keep all jokes clean.? As in "radio friendly."? Nothing mean spirited,?i.e. no sexism, racism, homophobia, et cetera.? Thanks]

  2. #2

    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were both pooping in the woods. Mr. Bear said to Mr. Rabbit, "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

    "Why no, Mr. Bear, I don't" replied Mr. Rabbit.

    So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.


    Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week.

  3. #3
    LHBA Member Kola's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007

    jokes not logs

    Did ya hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

    He worked it out with a pencil...
    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

    Captain: Whose car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...


    Kola :)
    sidenote: Yes Angela, I miss fresh seafood terribly.

  4. #4
    LHBA Member
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    Mar 2007
    Kirkland, WA

    And there you have it!

  5. #5
    LHBA Member Timber's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    CA/ land in Cody WY.

    you people need some help.

    you people need some help. Jokes, I always forget them. Ah maybe I will post some help for this thread later. Klapton, stay enlisted, you wont survive, the comic world is cruel


    A wise man knows how little he knows!

  6. #6
    LHBA Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Chesapeake, VA

    The loving husband

    An old man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, ?You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.? The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, ?Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150??
    The man replied, ?Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can?t take that chance.? <img src="/sites/all/modules/tinymce/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" border="0" />

  7. #7
    LHBA Member Timber's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    CA/ land in Cody WY.

    just got stolen??

    &quot;Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
    Right now the cops have nothing to go on.....&quot;

  8. #8
    LHBA Member Timber's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    CA/ land in Cody WY.

    bury it

    In what way is a Doctor &amp; Plumber alike?

    They both bury their mistakes.

  9. #9
    LHBA Member Timber's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    CA/ land in Cody WY.

    chop chop

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

    Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris? beard. There is only another fist.

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn?t lifting himself up, he?s pushing the Earth down.

    Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    Chuck Norris? hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    Chuck Norris doesn?t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

    Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

    Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

  10. #10
    LHBA Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Roseville, CA

    More on Chuck Norris

    He was once bitten by a King Cobra. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

    The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck sweat.

    As a child, Superman wore Chuck Norris pajama's.

    Chuck knows the last digit of pi.

    Chuck can divide by zero.

    Chuck's computer doesn't have a control button, Chuck is ALWAYS in control.

    Jesus walked on water, but Chuck can swim through land.

    Chuck can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

    Tornado's are a myth, Chuck just really hates trailer parks.


    Chuck once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills, it made him blink.

    Attended class January 24-25, 2009

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