Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

[spiralsands]

A bloke's wife goes missing while swimming off the New England coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her..



Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Deputy.



The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".



"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"



The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the rocks. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.



The Sarge says, "Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"



"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"



Frances



[ADMIN NOTE: Please keep all jokes clean.? As in "radio friendly."? Nothing mean spirited,?i.e. no sexism, racism, homophobia, et cetera.? Thanks]

[Klapton]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were both pooping in the woods. Mr. Bear said to Mr. Rabbit, "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

"Why no, Mr. Bear, I don't" replied Mr. Rabbit.

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

/rimshot

Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week.

[Kola]

Did ya hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil...
============================
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

=====================================


Kola :)
sidenote: Yes Angela, I miss fresh seafood terribly.

[marronnin]

http://instantrimshot.com/

[Timber]

you people need some help. Jokes, I always forget them. Ah maybe I will post some help for this thread later. Klapton, stay enlisted, you wont survive, the comic world is cruel







--

A wise man knows how little he knows!

[JD]

An old man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, ?You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.? The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, ?Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150??
The man replied, ?Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can?t take that chance.? <img src="/sites/all/modules/tinymce/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" border="0" />

[Timber]

&quot;Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.....&quot;

[Timber]

In what way is a Doctor &amp; Plumber alike?

They both bury their mistakes.

[Timber]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris? beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn?t lifting himself up, he?s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris? hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn?t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[tanderson]

He was once bitten by a King Cobra. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck sweat.

As a child, Superman wore Chuck Norris pajama's.

Chuck knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck can divide by zero.

Chuck's computer doesn't have a control button, Chuck is ALWAYS in control.

Jesus walked on water, but Chuck can swim through land.

Chuck can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Tornado's are a myth, Chuck just really hates trailer parks.

and...

Chuck once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills, it made him blink.

Attended class January 24-25, 2009

[rckclmbr428]

clean jokes...
What do you call a cow with two short legs? lean beef..
What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
what do you call a cow that wont give milk? an utter failure
what kind of milk does a cow with four short legs give? dragons milk
what do you call a dog with no legs? it doesnt matter, he not going to come anyways.
why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7 8 9
a dog limps into a bar, limps up to the bartender and says "im looking for the man who shot my paw"
A pirate walks into a bar, the bartender looks at the pirate and says, "you know you have a large steering wheel on the front of your pants?" the pirate responds "RRRR its driving me nuts!"

[hemlock77]

Then ther is my favorate.
?
After watching one episode of Walker Texas Ranger, ?France surrendered just in case.

[2 cents]

LOVE the chuck norris jokes...
there is one about bags of tea vs sacks of potatoes, but i can't say it. makes me laugh though!

here are a couple good ones....

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the periodic table because the only element he recognises is the element of surprise!!!

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrissed

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris
and the answer is, of course, all of it

[Valerie]

A pork chop walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve food here."

[rckclmbr428]

You think the third one would have ducked!

[Kola]

3 guys walk into a bar.

Two of them REPEATEDLY tell everyone their height and weight.

Kola :)

[Yuhjn]

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but he never cries.

[loghousenut]

That's so deaf people can enjoy it too...... Please accept my apology if you have no sense of smell, I meant no offense.

[Yuhjn]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, but he never cries.

This one is my all time favorite. That's a DOUBLE Chuck joke in 9 words. Amazing.

Only way it could be better is if it was a Haiku.

[Klapton]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, but he never cries.

This one is my all time favorite. That's a DOUBLE Chuck joke in 9 words. Amazing.

Only way it could be better is if it was a Haiku.

Tears of Chuck Norris
Cure for any known ailment
But he never cries

[Timber]

Chuck Norris:?? I took karate from Chucks Studio in Torrance California (I think it was his first studio he?opened)?/ style was called Tang Soo Do. I might?have seen Chuck in there a couple of times--he was very?busy opening up?Studios everywhere back then in the early 70's.?I think Chuck was undefeated in his fighting career in competition. We went to a very large?International fight?held in CA. and Chuck was fighting in it.?



Two young ladies who?were in my class knew there black belt forms when they were white belts. They made karate history when they?became the youngest in the USA to receive a black belt. Colleen?and?Darlene Shepherd. There dad wanted these girls to be able to protect themselves!



I must say that for Chuck not being around?he?had?some great instructors there. I am??trying to remember my daytime instructor / think he was a red belt-and I?believe that was higher than black--just cant remember if he had yet to test for black but he was a great teacher. He was short and stout--don't let those short guys fool ?you--they are strong.



We saw some pretty gnarly?fights between the higher up belts in training--no?holding back--saw some busted noses etc--that was with?a kick.?



Heck I don't think Chuck has anything going on?karate wise?anymore but I am not sure. There was an instructor in San Pedro, CA. that was pretty tough and beating up all competitors. There was a picture of him doing a flying kick over a guys head. His style was Tae Kwon DO.



My opionion but? Bruce Lee was a way better actor than Chuck--Chuck just seemed to stiff. I really liked the Kung Fu series with David Carrradine?and?thought it was really good entertainment

[Shark]

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where is the bartender?"

lol so corny.

[Kola]

[shawnis]

3 guys walk into a bar.

Two of them REPEATEDLY tell everyone their height and weight.

Kola :)

--

Sorry. I just don't get this one.

[shawnis]

A pony walks into a bar

He meekly approaches the bartender, "May I have a beer?"
The bartender says, "What did you say? I couldn't hear you."
The pony politely asks, "May I have a beer?"
The bartender says, "What did you say?!? I can't hear you!"
The pony, again, does his best, "May I have a beer?"

The bartender shouts, "You're going to have to SPEAK UP, son! I can't hear a word you're saying!"

And the pony says, "I'm sorry, I'm just a little horse."

[rreidnauer]

Two strings are walking past a bar, and one wants to get a drink. The first string goes to the bartender and asks for a beer, but the bartender tells him they don't serve strings and asks him to leave.

The string comes out to his fellow string and tells him the bartender won't serve him. So the second string ties himself into a knot and frizzes up one end and goes into the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you one of those strings?"

The string replies, "No, I'm afraid not."

[spiralsands]

Why is getting up at 4 AM like a pig's tail?

?????????????????????????????????????

It's twirly................


Frances

[2 cents]

HA!
haha. I get it.....
I got up twirly this morning myself.