Q. Why do mathematicians like national parks?
A. Because of the natural logs.
Frances
Okay, I'm sorry!
Q. Why do mathematicians like national parks?
A. Because of the natural logs.
Frances
Okay, I'm sorry!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing masonry work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Ok, let me start by saying this pickup is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, If it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o?clock shadow, this Toyota would look like Tom Selleck. It?s just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie and Fitch that you have your eye on. It wasn?t meant to transport you to yoga class or Bed, Bath and Beyond. No, that?s what your Prius is for. If that?s the kind of car you are looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Stop.
This pickup was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man who cheats death on a daily basis. They didn?t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems(real men don?t get lost), heated leather seats(a real man doesn?t need anything to warm his butt), or On Star (real men don?t even know what the hell on star is).
No, this brute comes with things for us testosterone-fueled super action junkies. It has a 4 cylinder engine, just powerful enough to outrun the Taliban camels, but just fuel efficient enough to get you to and from the arm wrestling contests in which you repeatedly kick ass. It has brand new rancho shocks to get you in and out of the jungle without spilling your protein shake. It has a raised platform in the bed so you can sleep under the camper top after a long night in the octagon.. (or bar) It has oversized tires and a four wheel drive system that will climb a mountain like a donkey on crack. It has a plug in block heater to keep the engine starting in the middle of the coldest winter Wyoming night. It has a two Thule bars on the top of the leer bed topper to keep load whatever gear you may need to load to keep your ass in the clear.
It has room for you and the 2 other hotties (I fit 3 in the cab once) you pick up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes.
There?s only 128,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, the legendary 22r motor in this beast will outlive you and the offspring that carry your name. Did I mention this truck comes with a first aid kit? Yep, in it you will find a pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit, and a hunk of leather to bite down on while operating on yourself.
The dents and dings that serve as good memories for plowing through people I don?t like are probably less what you would expect. But a few do exist.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $4500, but I?ll entertain reasonable offers. Andy by reasonable, I mean don?t walk up and tell me you?ll give me 2 grand for it. That?s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt. Hell Yeah. Let?s just say you won?t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
Now go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it?s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he man macho Chuck Norris stunt double. Then contact me. I might be hang gliding or base jumping or just chillin with the ladies, but I?ll get back to you. And when I do, we?ll talk about a price over a glass of Schmidt while listening to Johnny Cash.
<a href="http://wyoming.craigslist.org/cto/1256316003.html">http://wyoming.craigslist.org/cto/1256316003.html</a>
That's a heck of a sales pitch he's got there!
Three engineers walk into a bar, after a few drinks they start debating about "What type of engineer would God be?" The mechanical engineer says that because of the way our body is constructed with the heart pumping blood to reach all of the muscles which operate the joints God is obviously a mechanical engineer. The computer engineer scoffs and says why our brains is an infinately complexe super computer that controls our body, allows us to learn and store data God is surely a computer engineer. The third engineer sits back quitely listening to the debate and finally chimes in, Your both wrong God is a civil engineer. Both of the other engineers stop their discussion and amusedly glance over at their friend, Really? A civil engineer? Please explain to us. The civil engineer matter of factly replies, "Who else but a civil engineer would place a waste disposal facility in middle of a recreational area? --No arguement came, God is a Civil Engineer.
One more: How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when talking to you.
A cowboy named Mark was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, ?If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf??
Mark looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ?Sure, Why not??
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location,
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, ?You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.?
?That?s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,? says Mark.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Mark says to the young man, ?Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf??
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ?Okay, why not??
?You?re a Congressman for the U.S. Government?, says Mark.
?Wow! That?s correct,? says the yuppie, ?but how did you guess that??
?No guessing required.? answered the cowboy. ?You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars
worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than I
am; and you don?t know a thing about how working people make a living ?
or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ?.
Now give me back my dog.
http://www.paragon-cs.com/shiloh
I love it.
piker
ROTFLMAO!!! very funny!Originally Posted by bmurphy96
After examining his female patient, the doctor sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well," she said to her daughter, "We women celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have some martinis."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. Along came some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her old friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS and only have six months to live." The friends were horrified! They gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty nervous retreat.
After the friends left the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. You just told your old friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"
The woman whispered back, "Because I don't want any of those old bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called "Putting Your Affairs In Order."
"FLU UPDATE "
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment
and for swine flu you need oinkment
Frances
Bookmarks