Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

[rreidnauer]

Two strings are walking past a bar, and one wants to get a drink. The first string goes to the bartender and asks for a beer, but the bartender tells him they don't serve strings and asks him to leave.

The string comes out to his fellow string and tells him the bartender won't serve him. So the second string ties himself into a knot and frizzes up one end and goes into the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you one of those strings?"

The string replies, "No, I'm afraid not."

[spiralsands]

Why is getting up at 4 AM like a pig's tail?

?????????????????????????????????????

It's twirly................


Frances

[2 cents]

HA!
haha. I get it.....
I got up twirly this morning myself.

[Steve Wolfe]

When did Bobby go to the dentist? Easy, when two thirty.

[Steve Wolfe]

During a visit to the mental asylum I asked the Director how do he determines whether or not a person should be institutionalized.

?Well,? said the Director, ?we fill up a bathtub and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask that they empty the bathtub.?

?Oh, I understand ,? I said. ?a normal person would use the bucket because it?s bigger than the spoon or teacup.?

?No? said the doctor, ?a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window??

Now I ask my fellow LHBA members to be honest and admit it - "Are you going to be needing a bed?"

[spiralsands]

One fine sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest. He was walking by a small stream when sitting on a nearby toadstool, he noticed asad, sad-looking frog.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain?"

"Once upon a time I was an 11-year-old choirboy at your very church. I too was walking by this stream when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. "Let me pass!'' I cried, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand turned me into the frog you now see before you."

"That's an incredible story!" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing the witch's spell?"

"Yes," said the frog. "It is said that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and a good night's sleep, I will wake up as a boy again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and forthwith picked up the frog and took him home. He gave him lots of food, placed him by the fire, and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. And, lo! Miracle of miracles, when he awoke the next morning there was the 11 year old Choirboy beside him in bed.

And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense.

[spiralsands]

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his house. Its not dead, its just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris was dropped twice when he was a baby. Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

[spiralsands]

A gorgeous young redhead went to her doctor and informed him that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“ That sounds serious,” the doctor said. “Can you show me?”
The redhead pressed on her left shoulder with her finger and cried in pain. She then pushed her elbow with her finger and screamed even louder. She continued to press various parts of her body, crying in agony each time.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” the woman confessed. “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

[Sean Purser]

my favorite all time joke:
There was this fisherman on the local lake that always brought out loads and loads of fish every time he went fishing (we will call him Joe).

It didn't matter what the conditions were - Joe always caught plenty of fish. Everyone was suspicious of Joe and complained to the game warden. So the game warden comes along to check Joe and his catch when he is docking his boat. Well sure enough Joe has lots of fish, but as he should all meet the limit regulations. The game warden get curious, so he asks Joe how he catches so many fish...and Joe tells the game warden that he is welcome to come along tomorrow and go fishing with him and he also assures the game warden we will catch a full limit.

So the next day Joe launches his boat with the game warden ridding shotgun. Joe pulls up into his favorite cove and lights a cigarette and puts a big old tackle box out of the boats storage compartment. The game warden is watching him close as he opens the tackle box and out comes a stick of dynamite. Before the game warden can say a word Joe has lit the fuse with his cigarette and tossed it over board. BOOM – up float the fish. The game warden declares “I’ve got you now Joe” and pulls out his ticket book – that is illegal! Joe grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it and tosses it to the Game warden and declares – “you gonna fish or write me a ticket”.

[chadfortman]

Look, listen and learn
A man who works with his hands is a laborer,
A man who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman,
A man who works with his hands, his head and his heart is an artist.
St Francis of Assisi.

I will take the tea spoon