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Thread: Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

  1. #391
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    Nov 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by loghousenut View Post
    I wonder what that sounded like.
    Like an orchestra jumping of a skyscraper I'm sure. His ears might not have been ringing but at least one side of his head had to be.... maybe not ringing, had to be pounding.
    Last edited by allen84; 12-29-2017 at 05:04 PM.

  2. #392
    A little girl asked her father: “Where did the human race come from?”

    The father answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

    A couple of days later the little girl asked her mother the same question.

    The mother answered, ‘Many years ago there were some monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

    The confused girl returned to her father and said, ‘Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys?’

    The father answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.’
    “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  3. #393
    After a terrible storm, two Yankees from Boston wanted to make some extra money cutting up trees that had fallen. They go to a chainsaw shop and ask about various chainsaws for their new venture. The salesman takes them straight to the top of the line model. “This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” He says.

    The two yankee boys purchase the chainsaw, take it home, and begin eagerly working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, they are exhausted and decided to quit. “How can we cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, they ask themselves. “So the next day they start early in the morning and cut all day” Still they are only able to cut 5 cords of wood.

    Convinced that they were sold a bad saw they went back to the shop to complain. “This is a bad saw” said the smarter of the two yankees. “The dealer told us it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem and it only cuts 5 cords. The dealer, baffled by the yankees claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, pulls the cord and cranks it up. The two yankees jump back and simultaneously say “What the @@!??$ is that noise?”
    “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  4. #394
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    Nov 2013
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Army Security Agency. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.'

  5. #395
    Donald Trump and Obama ended up in the same barber shop. Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel all day.”

    The second barber turned to Trump and said, “How about you sir?” Trump replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”

  6. #396
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    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
    The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
    a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,
    what causes arthritis?'

    The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
    cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
    sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

    The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, '

    Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had

    The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
    that the Pope does.'

    THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

  7. #397

  8. #398
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    Nov 2013
    true story.

    I helped my friend move a piece of furniture from his Dad's house today. His Dad told me he thinks his hair is still sticky from when I sprayed the back of his neck with Mt Dew (about 15 years ago). I had to be reminded of what he was talking about. I was employed by him for a week, around the time I turned 18, to help with filming car commercials for a major auto manufacturer. We drove to auto dealerships all over Middle TN to pick up new vehicles and drive them to the film site, then wash them all day. We were on our way somewhere altogether and he decided to tell us about the first time he had sex. "The first time I had sex, I was in college. I was scared to death. I was all by myself." I had a mouthful of mountain dew.
    Last edited by allen84; 01-28-2018 at 09:31 PM.

  9. #399
    LHBA Member ChainsawGrandpa's Avatar
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    So why did the Falcon Heavy (Mars project by Elon Musk launch at 15:45 hrs.?

    Because all of the engineers are millennials
    and they didn't get of of bed until 15:30!

    yet another original joke from Chainsaw Grandpa!
    You know a persons relatives didn't like them when
    their obituary starts with the words, "Ding Dong"

  10. #400

    A true story from my misspent youth

    I started working as a landscaper when I was 14 and kept at it until I graduated from college. One day my boss told me to take the little pick-up he drove around in and meet one of our customers at a strip mall. He had loaded the truck with some flowers, topsoil and sod. I was to pick up this woman and drive her to her parents graves and spruce them up. So she hops in the truck, gives me general directions and then starts talking about the caretaker at the cemetery. She says how much she liked him and what a nice man he was but that the cemetery was so large that he didn't have time to take care of her parents' graves the way she liked. She impressed that she really like this guy and didn't want to hurt his feelings so that I should let her do all the talking. Then she said I wouldn't be able to understand him anyway because he had this horrible speech impediment. She explained that it had took her years but over time she had developed the ability to understand him. She harped on these two points the whole way there.

    Finally we get there and I've got my head down, hustling to get this "plumb job" over with as soon as possible when she says: " Here he comes. See I told you he'd come around because he knows me. Remember let me do all the talking."

    So he pulls up and gets out, comes over with a big grin on his face and says: "Hi! How y'all doing?" My head popped up and I shot her a look but never said a word. She was right about one thing, he seemed like a nice guy alright but the only speech impediment I could detect came from being born below the Mason Dixon line. A point which the Princess denied the whole way back to her car.

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