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Thread: Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

  1. #391
    LHBA Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by loghousenut View Post
    I wonder what that sounded like.
    Like an orchestra jumping of a skyscraper I'm sure. His ears might not have been ringing but at least one side of his head had to be.... maybe not ringing, had to be pounding.
    Last edited by allen84; 12-29-2017 at 06:04 PM.

  2. #392
    A little girl asked her father: “Where did the human race come from?”

    The father answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

    A couple of days later the little girl asked her mother the same question.

    The mother answered, ‘Many years ago there were some monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

    The confused girl returned to her father and said, ‘Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys?’

    The father answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.’

  3. #393
    After a terrible storm, two Yankees from Boston wanted to make some extra money cutting up trees that had fallen. They go to a chainsaw shop and ask about various chainsaws for their new venture. The salesman takes them straight to the top of the line model. “This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” He says.

    The two yankee boys purchase the chainsaw, take it home, and begin eagerly working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, they are exhausted and decided to quit. “How can we cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, they ask themselves. “So the next day they start early in the morning and cut all day” Still they are only able to cut 5 cords of wood.

    Convinced that they were sold a bad saw they went back to the shop to complain. “This is a bad saw” said the smarter of the two yankees. “The dealer told us it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem and it only cuts 5 cords. The dealer, baffled by the yankees claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, pulls the cord and cranks it up. The two yankees jump back and simultaneously say “What the @@!??$ is that noise?”

  4. #394
    LHBA Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Army Security Agency. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.'

  5. #395
    Donald Trump and Obama ended up in the same barber shop. Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel all day.”

    The second barber turned to Trump and said, “How about you sir?” Trump replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”

  6. #396
    LHBA Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
    The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
    a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,
    what causes arthritis?'

    The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
    cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
    sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

    The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, '

    Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had

    The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
    that the Pope does.'

    THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

  7. #397

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