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Thread: Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

  1. #421
    LHBA Member loghousenut's Avatar
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    Here we go... you called a Marine a Squid.

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    Every time I have strayed from the teachings of Skip Ellsworth it has cost me money.

  2. #422
    LHBA Member BoFuller's Avatar
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    Until they become a traitor


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  3. #423
    LHBA Member rreidnauer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoFuller View Post
    If I ever see old McCain, I’ll give him the Hawaiian good luck sign.


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    《《《LIKE》》》

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    All my bad forum habits I learned from LHN

    Rod Reidnauer
    Class of Apr. 9-10, 2005
    Thinking outside the vinyl sided box

  4. #424
    LHBA Member jrdavis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loghousenut View Post
    Here we go... you called a Marine a Squid.

    Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk
    Sometimes its accepted -- We just tell them the Marines are from the Mens Department.
    Iowa Log Building -- some day
    pics http://s1249.photobucket.com/albums/hh510/pltn1042/
    Member since Oct 1999

  5. #425
    LHBA Member loghousenut's Avatar
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    Every time I have strayed from the teachings of Skip Ellsworth it has cost me money.

  6. #426
    “None of us is as smart as all of us.” ― Kenneth H. Blanchard
    Ecclesiastes 2:18-25

  7. #427
    LHBA Member rocklock's Avatar
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    Tools Explained

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Hope you found this informative.
    Dave
    --> The unaimed arrow never misses....
    --> If can, can. If no can, no can... Hawaiian Pidgin
    2011 video http://secure.smilebox.com/ecom/open...a413d0d0a&sb=1
    2006 to 2009 video http://s154.photobucket.com/albums/s274/flintlock1/
    If you are gonna be dumb, you better be TOUGH!

  8. #428
    LHBA Member BoFuller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rocklock View Post
    Tools Explained

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Hope you found this informative.
    I love it. LOL


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

  9. #429
    LHBA Member
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    A guy goes into the Guelph, Ontario, Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." "The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."

  10. #430
    LHBA Member rreidnauer's Avatar
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    LOL :-D .

    Sent from my SM-G928G using Tapatalk
    All my bad forum habits I learned from LHN

    Rod Reidnauer
    Class of Apr. 9-10, 2005
    Thinking outside the vinyl sided box

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