Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

**rawson** · 11-15-2019, 01:03 PM

Truly I will never understand superior minds. I got all queasy,squirmy and spine chilled reading the descriptive previous post of the extraction of innards deposited in a stainless steel pan. Figure you opted for the spinal anesthesia to get in on the action. I was offered the spinal on my second hernia gut replacement but after watching my wife having 2 of those to deliver 2 healthy children I opted out to be knocked out then sliced and diced or never wake up. Never had my behind scoped and don't plan on it either. Live long and prosper LHN.

**Mosseyme** · 11-15-2019, 07:57 PM

Ok guys and gals, this is my line of work. Really come on. Listen to the nut. The worst part of this is the nasty stuff you have to drink and missing a couple of meals. Once they get that little ole needle in your arm and you get to take a little nap that makes you feel like you made up for the potty time last night, its all a piece of cake.
Seriously, I'm an alternative medicine kind of person when you can, but this one thing is a life saver for untold number of people.
All the stuff we have created on this planet has put us inhabatants at risk for tiny things that turn into big thing and make you die in a way you never planned to. It is such a minor procedure and if you catch that little thing when it is still a wannabe it saves your family a lot of expense and heartaches. Have you checked out the price of funerals lately? So come on guys and gals, let the doc take a peek.

**loghousenut** · 11-16-2019, 05:46 AM

Guys and Gals... Thanks, Mossey.

**BoFuller** · 11-16-2019, 09:38 AM

Good on you Sis.

Listen to her everybody. I got one and I’m the guy that was afraid of a neti pot.
I got one at 54 (clean), 64 ( a couple small polyps), and 69 (clean).
It’s a piece of cake and can save your life.

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**BoFuller** · 11-16-2019, 09:38 AM

Seriously, this shouldn’t be under “Joke thread”. It’s not a joke.

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**Mosseyme** · 11-16-2019, 09:55 AM

Absolutely not a joke but nut started it to get people's attention in a funny way. It is a potentially humorous subject as long as in the end it is taken seriously.
If you have seen a healthy 50+ yo come in for his/her check and go away without the polyp they came in with and a return in five years instructions. No biggy. Then there is the 60/65 yo that finally were pushed by the spouse to come in under, I don't have any problems/ I'm not broke don't need fixed kinda mindset then have to stand outside the door and try to compose yourself knowing they were just told next stop surgery and if your lucky you get a bag for the rest of your life and if not radiation,cemo,surgery and make rotting and falling out you back side from now until you die. Just try to hold you self together and walk in that room. Sorry folks, I know tmi but this is truly no joke and such a simple fix when caught early.

**loghousenut** · 11-16-2019, 07:14 PM

Originally Posted by Mosseyme

Absolutely not a joke but nut started it to get people's attention in a funny way. It is a potentially humorous subject as long as in the end it is taken seriously.
If you have seen a healthy 50+ yo come in for his/her check and go away without the polyp they came in with and a return in five years instructions. No biggy. Then there is the 60/65 yo that finally were pushed by the spouse to come in under, I don't have any problems/ I'm not broke don't need fixed kinda mindset then have to stand outside the door and try to compose yourself knowing they were just told next stop surgery and if your lucky you get a bag for the rest of your life and if not radiation,cemo,surgery and make rotting and falling out you back side from now until you die. Just try to hold you self together and walk in that room. Sorry folks, I know tmi but this is truly no joke and such a simple fix when caught early.

Well, this one post has already made a difference. When I read it to Patty, she asked me to write a note and put it on the bar to remind her to call for the appointment on Monday.

It will be her first one. Thank you.

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**Mosseyme** · 11-16-2019, 11:25 PM

Glad to help! The only reason I would say all that on a joke thread is in hope that someone would be inspired to love themselves enough.

**rawson** · 11-23-2019, 02:48 PM

I might consider submitting a deuce sample that can be analyzed to a 92 plus percent detection for colon cancer vs the scope method. For now there is no history of colon problems in my linage so I'll play the odds. Just wonder what to say when the deuce sample gets sent off if the question is asked are there any hazardous materials in this shipment guess I'll just shrug it and say dunno yet bets the s__t out of me.

**loghousenut** · 11-23-2019, 03:53 PM

I like the idea of having the Dr snip off those precancerous polyps before they would show up on the test... and I really enjoy the nap.

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**allen84** · 11-27-2019, 08:35 PM

Originally Posted by loghousenut

I like the idea of having the Dr snip off those precancerous polyps before they would show up on the test... and I really enjoy the nap.

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I don't act appropriately after a doctor induced nap. LOL! "He's bad."

**mudflap** · 12-05-2019, 12:48 AM

It says "don't worry I hugged it first". Lol.

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**loghousenut** · 12-05-2019, 04:07 AM

Good looking load of pine. Too short for what we need but obviously it is going to a good home.

In the year that I drove log truck (back about 28 years ago) I had one of the prettiest 3 log loads that you can imagine. When the loader tossed that top log on, it looked like something that was common when I was a kid and extinct in the modern era. It screamed perfection and art.

As I hauled the load to town I was getting the thumbs up from all those log other truckers and when I hit the freeway there were folks in cars taking photos of me... but this all happened in southern Oregon where everybody has a Dad or a Grandad in the business.

It has all changed.

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**mudflap** · 12-05-2019, 05:26 AM

That's too bad. musta been quite a site. durn "progress"!

Might sound kinda silly, but I prayed over each tree I cut down, thanking the Creator for them, and thanking the tree for being useful. so I guess I am a treehugger.

**Shark** · 12-07-2019, 06:32 AM

Originally Posted by Mosseyme

. It is a potentially humorous subject as long as in the end it is taken seriously.

Don't you mean seriously taken in the end?

There's the joke lol

**loghousenut** · 03-15-2020, 07:44 AM

Is it a thread hijack if it 100% true but funnier than fiction? You be the judge.

Yesterday I bought one of those cargo carriers that fits in the hitch receiver on the back of a Jeep or minivan on vacation. It's for our cute little Toyota motorhome. Found it on Craigslist for $25 from a nice sounding lady named Stephanie. She named the little bar/deli where she worked and said just stop in anytime between 9am and 6pm.

Well I walked in the front door and asked the first official looking lady which one was Stephanie. She pointed her out as the leader of the 3 lady crew way back behind the bar. I sat at the bar and pulled $25 out of my wallet as one of the other ladies tried to serve me. Holding the $25 up I said I had business with Stephanie.

She shouted "Stephanie, he's yours".

Stephanie figured it out and and shouted "Let's go out to the alley. Where's your car?".

The two guys right beside me knew how funny this was all turning out so I elbowed the close one and loudly proclaimed that "This must happen a lot around here".

Poor beet red Stephanie got to acting like Gramaw when she burped in the middle of the sermon, and before the minute was up everyone in the place knew every detail of the transaction including color, texture, original cost, and how much she was selling it for. All I could do was agree but it made it no less funny.

There is no way to reliably set up these scenarios. You just have to live a clean life and pray that God drops them on you when you are thinking clearly enough to take full advantage.

**rreidnauer** · 03-15-2020, 07:57 AM

Always fun when things unexpectedly unfold like that!!

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**donjuedo** · 03-15-2020, 02:05 PM

She won't forget you, 'Nut. LOL!

**loghousenut** · 03-25-2020, 09:19 AM

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

**misplayed-hand** · 04-19-2020, 12:19 AM

I laughed a couple of times. Hopefully you will too.

**mudflap** · 08-17-2020, 11:34 AM

there it is. LHBA motto.

**rreidnauer** · 08-17-2020, 02:11 PM

Universally true.

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**mudflap** · 10-21-2020, 06:50 AM

TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

**rreidnauer** · 10-21-2020, 08:46 AM

I use that last tool regularly!
So much so, that the neighbor has stopped asking if I'm OK when I proceed with playing out the requirements of using aforementioned tool.

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**mudflap** · 10-21-2020, 09:33 AM

Originally Posted by rreidnauer

I use that last tool regularly!
So much so, that the neighbor has stopped asking if I'm OK when I proceed with playing out the requirements of using aforementioned tool.

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lol. I'm a "weapon of war" man myself.

**allen84** · 10-21-2020, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by mudflap

lol. I'm a "weapon of war" man myself.

Same here! The BFH (best friend hammer) is my favorite. It can be used to make certain your coworkers are alive and awake. One swing is all it takes to watch someone try and run while laying on a creeper under a crane... Doesn't matter how much you kick your feet, if they never touch the ground, you're running nowhere! LOL!!!

My supervisor would get me EVERY TIME I was welding next to a fuel tank. That always resulted in two bangs... First the hammer bang, then the "Allen jumping for dear life but he's under a crane head bang."