Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

**mudflap** · 11-27-2018, 11:02 AM

I'm actually wondering if the manual chainsaw idea could be effective.....

**loghousenut** · 12-23-2018, 09:37 AM

To all you poor souls who have no access to the "Members Only" side of this forum, I'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas. I think I'll wish all the rest of us a Merry Christmas also. That reminds me of a question that always sounded like a joke when my Dad used to ask it.

Why do Polar Bears never eat Penguins?

**Shark** · 12-23-2018, 09:44 AM

I had to Google that...

**allen84** · 12-23-2018, 10:24 AM

Last week a guy at work told me he couldn't grow a beard because of his native American blood... He said he's tried but it was apache here and apache there.

**misplayed-hand** · 12-23-2018, 10:22 PM

In keeping with the poster above

**allen84** · 12-28-2018, 08:46 PM

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**loghousenut** · 12-30-2018, 08:01 AM

I see that Santa left a pet Sea Otter under your tree.

**rawson** · 12-30-2018, 04:22 PM

Crap. Gotta be classified TMI. Butt first; Is there a barf bag attachment? Was a bidet plumbed in for this or did it get booted?

**misplayed-hand** · 01-09-2019, 09:02 AM

**mudflap** · 07-19-2019, 11:30 AM

pretty much.

**loghousenut** · 07-19-2019, 12:12 PM

That roofer must have a telehandler. See how small his arms are?

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**mudflap** · 08-22-2019, 10:17 AM

Thug life. alternate title: why I need to leave my neighborhood.

probably contains bad language, but don't worry- if you're not from the hood, you probably can't understand it anyway.

**mudflap** · 10-30-2019, 05:57 AM

**rreidnauer** · 10-30-2019, 06:37 AM

I must have missed the memo.

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**loghousenut** · 11-12-2019, 01:27 AM

Well Folks... This is no joke but I hope you will think it's not not funny and read it anyway.

A little backstory. I am at that age where my Doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy every time the property tax bill is due. I have passed with flying colors each time so far, so I compromise with him and I let him have his way with me about every 5 years or so.

Here it is, 1:33am and I am drinking down the last of that glorious liquid that will scour put my guts clean enough to use as sausage casings. If you haven't gone through it, imagine mixing a fifth of Bourbon with a big jar of pickle juice and stirring in a cupanahalf of kosher salt and 15 bullion cubes... beef... with the foil on.

Then drink it. Then drink a half gallon of water to push it all down.

For those of you who don't know me, I had bariatric surgery 3 years ago. A dedicated team of skilled surgeons sliced off most of my gloriously stretchy stomach and tossed it in the stainless steel bucket where it can no longer assist me in the chore of eating myself into a stupor. Now, what is left of my stomach acts like a 5" chunk of old garden hose. Do they really think I can drink all that down for supper and then again at midnight?

Well it is now 2:00am and the liquid is shooting right on through like it was the express train passing through Cozad, Nebraska on its way to Denver carrying mail from New York. I have little desire to risk going back to bed when it is so warm and comfy here where I sit.

But none of that has anything to do with why I posted this in the Joke Thread instead of the Plumbing Thread over on the member's side of the forum.

Some 15 years ago I was marking reciepts at the exit door of the Muffin store where I worked. It was slow so I chatted up the well dressed couple who were my victims at the moment. I knew I knew them so I asked them who they were. Come to find out he is the Doctor who did my colonoscopy. His Wife said that she was his assisting nurse and they both apologized for not recognizing me. Of course I unbuckled my belt as I turned around and pretended that I was going to drop my pants. If you are on my side of The Rockies you probably heard her shriek.

Well from then on, they always recognized me.

But none of that has anything to do with why I posted this in the Joke Thread instead of the Plumbing Thread.

At 9:30am I will be sparsely dressed in girlish attire and they will ask me to lay on my side on the slab in the room where they put me under and sodomized me with a 5' long enema-like thing. Taped to my hind end will be a $5 bill and a note, written in Sharpie pen that says "EXTRA LUBE PLEASE".

Yup, They will remember me.

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**donjuedo** · 11-12-2019, 01:41 AM

Laughing out loud, here! Oh, I never saw that, uh, ending coming. Maybe you've started a trend, too.

**misplayed-hand** · 11-12-2019, 03:36 AM

Great story LHN! I bet if you printed it out, stuck it on a jar and put the jar on the muffin store counter you would soon have enough donations to buy a tattoo so your wife wouldn't have to write your request out with a sharpie twice a year. Just a thought...

**loghousenut** · 11-12-2019, 11:49 AM

Well, it worked.

Before...

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**loghousenut** · 11-12-2019, 11:50 AM

After...

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**loghousenut** · 11-12-2019, 11:51 AM

Those health care professionals are a lot of fun.

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**BoFuller** · 11-12-2019, 12:19 PM

Bro, TMI.

You’re hopeless, Bro.

But I still won’t disown you, no matter how hard you try.

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**rreidnauer** · 11-12-2019, 12:22 PM

Welp, let's see how many pints of whiskey it'll take to get me to forget I saw this.

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**BoFuller** · 11-12-2019, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by rreidnauer

Welp, let's see how many pints of whiskey it'll take to get me to forget I saw this.

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Exactly.

Are there no standards on this forum?

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**loghousenut** · 11-12-2019, 01:54 PM

I disagree. This forum has very high standards.

It is the parameters that you should be worried about.

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**allen84** · 11-12-2019, 03:44 PM

LHN,
You're going about this all wrong. They supposed to pay you fo dat azz.

**loghousenut** · 11-12-2019, 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by allen84

LHN,
You're going about this all wrong. They supposed to pay you fo dat azz.

Once they saw it, there was no convincing them of that.

**rawson** · 11-13-2019, 01:33 PM

Originally Posted by loghousenut

Once they saw it, there was no convincing them of that.

Your one tough cookie cause if it was me I dunno if I'd be able to survive what you have been through to present day. Having had 2 groin hernia surgeries left and right the pain and recovery sucked but one thing about the second one is the mind knows what to expect (plus one knee surgery) . So it seems your tuned into the pain and recovery, hope they lubed everything up to your expectations if not maybe you'll get a refund. Here's to your recovery and hopes to live long and prosper!

**loghousenut** · 11-15-2019, 07:07 AM

Originally Posted by rawson

Your one tough cookie cause if it was me I dunno if I'd be able to survive what you have been through to present day. Having had 2 groin hernia surgeries left and right the pain and recovery sucked but one thing about the second one is the mind knows what to expect (plus one knee surgery) . So it seems your tuned into the pain and recovery, hope they lubed everything up to your expectations if not maybe you'll get a refund. Here's to your recovery and hopes to live long and prosper!

Rawson, I don't think you understand. This was just a Doctor running a skinny little camera up my greasy hind end, looking for stray cancer and finding none. Nothing but good news and a nice nap.

My life is just as easy, and with the same easy prognosis, as it ever was.

Yes, I am one tough cookie, but I could do a colonoscopy any ole time, even if I was a lilly livered City Boy from Berkeley.you hit

I am a believer in knowing the truth and knowing it early. When you hit the big 50, let the Doctor look at your guys from the inside. If it is bad news, it is not as bad as if you'd waited til you were 60.

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