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Thread: Joke thread (Don't read if you don't like funny)

  1. #531
    LHBA Member rocklock's Avatar
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    QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

    .

    If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

    Can you cry under water?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    What disease did cured ham actually have?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

    They're going to see you naked anyway...

    Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

    They're both dogs!

    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Why, Why, Why

    do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

    Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

    If people evolved from apes,

    why are there still apes?

    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses

    are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

    And my FAVORITE.........

    The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
    Dave
    --> The unaimed arrow never misses....
    --> If can, can. If no can, no can... Hawaiian Pidgin
    2011 video http://secure.smilebox.com/ecom/open...a413d0d0a&sb=1
    2006 to 2009 video http://s154.photobucket.com/albums/s274/flintlock1/
    If you are gonna be dumb, you better be TOUGH!

  2. #532
    LHBA Member Shark's Avatar
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    There's some good ones in there!

    Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk
    Completed #1 - Sold #1.....#2 about to start
    http://jandjloghome.blogspot.com/

  3. #533
    LHBA Member BoFuller's Avatar
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    A Little Ranch Humor..... and our long stretches of Highways!

    Yesterday, I had a flat tire on I-40

    So I eased my truck and trailer over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment, I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my trailer facing on-coming traffic.

    They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.

    To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy.

    It wasn't long before a Highway Patrol pulled up behind me.
    He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
    "What's going on here?"

    Well...
    "My trailer has a flat tire," I said calmly.

    “Ok
    But What the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

    I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
    "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

    Always be prepared and safety first out here……seriously be careful. .


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

  4. #534
    LHBA Member
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    Ha! That's pretty funny, Bo. And it's tempting to try ...

  5. #535
    LHBA Member RingofFire's Avatar
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    Two young men stepped inside the hunting club lobby and asked if they could join the club. The secretary said “Sure! I’ll go get the applications.” He told the boys to go have a seat beside Old Joe who was sitting on the bench alone. He told them Old Joe was the oldest member of the club and had a lot of great stories to tell. He asked Old Joe to tell the boys about his Kodak bear hunt while he went to get the applications. The two eager young men sat down beside Old Joe and he started telling the story. Joe said he was hunting on Kodiak Island 40 years ago. He and his guide were tracking a Huge grizzly that must have been over 10’ tall judging by his tracks. It was starting to get dark and the wind was blowing so hard they couldn’t hear a thing. Suddenly they caught a glimpse of a massive shadow slipping around the base of a hill. Joe said he and the guide scrambled up the hill, crawled through devils club and tall wet grass with the wind howling. Old Joe said, “Just as we topped the hill on our hands and knees to take a look over the edge, all of a sudden “ROAR!!!” (Old Joe stands up quickly with his arms stretched out and his fingers spread out like claws.) The two young men were startled but riveted and waiting for Joe to continue. Old Joe just stood there silent and somber. Finally one of the boys asked “What happened then Joe?” Joe quietly mumbled “I shat my pants”. The boys immediately responded “We understand Joe! Don’t be ashamed. We probably would have done the same thing!” Old Joe then said, “No, I mean just now. I shat my pants.”

  6. #536
    LHBA Member mudflap's Avatar
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    >Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    because when you spin dough in the air, it gets round. Cardboard? not so much....
    --
    "cutting trees is more important than thinking about cutting trees or planning to cut trees." ~ F. David Stanley

    videos: https://www.bitchute.com/channel/mudflap/
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    bastyon: https://bastyon.com/tailgate

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